I'm back after months and months of missing in action...Again, my only excuse seems to be work. I've come to the conclusion that there is a high possiblity that I'm a workaholic. I guess I tend to spend too much energy working and I am thinking maybe it is due to not wanting to let anyone down, not my customers and not my co-workers but what about me. I was talking to a fellow co-worker today at an off-site bookfair I'm hosting at the Gwinnett County Board of Education about how tired I am most all of the time. Even when I've not been physically active, I feel sore and my joints hurt and just tired all over. One conclusion I've come to is that when I don't give to myself, I get depleted. I am a giver. I get so much from serving others and wouldn't want it to be any other way however, I am going to have to work on giving to myself in order to live a long life because I feel that if I continue going at this pace, I'll burn out.
I've had a few great conversations within the past week where I've felt like I've connected with others. At least I feel like they've heard me, really heard me and understood. Sitting at Dancing Goat Coffee Shop studying GRE stuff, an elderly woman at the table next to me told a man she'd watch his bike while he went inside the shop to order coffee. For some reason, all I could think of was what she would do if someone did try to take off on is bike so instead of just thinking it, I said,"What are you going to do if someone tries to get it, you don't have any running shoes on?" and she laughed and thus began a deeper conversation about books of course, her former teaching career, her travels to New York where I'd just returned from, my desire to go to graduate school and study community and how we are lacking a third place outside of home and work to commune and tell our stories. So for the next hour we proceeded to tell a few of our stories and her husband and daughter sat and joined in and the table across the way listened in and for a little piece of a beautiful rainy Saturday afternoon on the porch of a local coffee shop with our hot cups of coffee and tea and a few dogs lying about the ground, we commenced to enjoy our third place we'd created and it was just what I needed to remind of why I want to study community.....
I'm grateful for having the courage to speak out when I'm not spoken to if that is what it takes to open up a space to connect to others.
About Me
- Carla Nikol
- I chose the name of my blog based on the word Buddha, which means "awakened one" or "the enlightened one". I don't claim to come from or be a buddhist, and I certainly don't claim to be "awakened" or "enlightened," yet I do feel I'm in a constant state of awakening and awareness and hope to live with an attitude that respects and practices compassion, mindfulness, and intention in my speech and in my actions. I come from a family of artists and feel lost without a connection to my creativity. I express myself best through talking and writing. I most want to feel connected to others and find that books give me that sense of connection. I work at a bookstore, go figure. I'm easily misunderstood because I live in my head a lot. Being an only child, I require my space and time alone to ponder why I am here on earth and how I can make things better. I am at a point in my life where I am consciously creating my "Authentic Self" as opposed to acting out the roles we adopt to meet other's needs. Today is the first day of the rest of my life!
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