Community

Funny that I've kind of dropped off the blogosphere lately. Work has been taking all of my energy and while posting a review on my other blog of a book I just finished for my non-fiction book group, I thought I'd pop in and see what I'd last posted about here. Knitting...That was my obsession for a month or so. I still love my knitting books, my yarn, my 3 hats I've knitted and 2 scarves and plan to knit a pair of fingerless gloves out of the Baby Alpaca Skein I bought, beautiful earth tones, but am not quite ready to pick it up again until after the holidays, can I say working retail during the holidays :( and yet :) when I get to have some time on the book floor talking books to customers instead of sitting behind my computer in the back office.
I mainly want to share this one story as it directly relates to knitting and the process of forming a community which is exactly what drives me and what I'm passionate about, connections and community....
I saw a book that was to be released in November back in September and it had a huge ball of yarn and knitting needles on the cover. The book is called Spinning Forward by an author named Terri DuLong out of Florida. Since I was deep into my knitting obsession at the time, I thought how fun it would be to have the author visit our store on a Wednesday night during our store's weekly knitting group night with a group of knitters named "Noble Knitters" that have been meeting on Wednesdays from 6-8 for over 5 years. I emailed the author and explained my newfound love of knitting and our group and that I would love for her to sign her book and speak in our store. She agreed and was excited and we corresponded via email until November. She even emailed to check on me after all of the flooding in Georgia, she said she'd seen it on the news and was worried about me.
After much planning, working with her publicist and marketing her event with all of the local yarn shops I could find, the date of her signing was quickly approaching. As I began to put the signage up and books on the display, I thought why not call the closest yarn shop, one I had recently visited on my wonderful day mentioned in the post previous to this, and see if they wanted to partner with me and decorate a window display with their yarn products etc. along with the book in order to create awareness of the event and awareness of their shop. The owners loved the idea and quickly came over to create a beautiful display with a basket of beautiful yarn, a handmade shawl by one of the ladies in the local Wednesday night knitting group, a spinning wheel and more, it was lovely. The only thing missing was a live knitter in the window for effect.
The night came and my marketing worked as we had over 50 people show up to support the event. Half of the cafe was full of knitters talking and showing off their projects. Some were part of the weekly group but a lot were either knitters that hadn't been in awhile or were there for the first time. It was great and when Terri DuLong showed up, they were all happy to listen to her talk and read while they knitted and afterwards they patiently waited in line as she signed books. Each knitter had plenty of time to talk and share her project with Terri so the signing took longer than usual and since the line was full of other knitters, they kept busy knitting while waiting and talking so nobody was impatient or in a hurry.
I received a gift from Terri in the mail last week, as much as I claim to not necessarily want "things" I must admit that I couldn't wait to get from the mailbox to my office to cut my box open and look inside.
There was a beautiful handmade Christmas Ornament with a picture of yarn and needles and Spinning Forward 2009 on it....with a card thanking me for a lovely event and how she can't wait to come back in the spring. I also received an email from the owners of Only Ewe and Cotton Too, the yarn shop that decorated the window display, saying how our store was so much more warm and cozy than the one closest to them. Both of those compliments made me feel grateful to be a part of the creation of this event and the opportunity to bring joy and delight to not only the Noble Knitters in the audience but to the author and the owners of the yarn shop. This is what I mean by connection and this is what I like best about my job.

All Smiles

This weekend was productive and fun. I woke up Saturday and finally after over 6 months of procrastinating got my car washed and visited 2 knitting stores. The second one, close to home, I met and spoke with the young woman working there about knitting, her suggestions, she was ready to sit down and give me a lesson right then and there but the practical side of me thought I should wait until next week after pay day...

I went home and tossed and turned thinking about how much I wanted to learn to knit and use my hands to create something so after 30 minutes of this I said to hell with it, I'm going back so I called and ended up getting a 2 hour lesson. Fun, hard, fun, exciting, fun....

I got home, and pulled out my yarn and needles only to end up frustrated as I'd forgotten how to cast on. I found some you tube videos and learned all over again but man it does not come natural to me. Tonight I got my yarn all tangled up and had to completely pull it all apart as I couldn't get anymore out to knit with. What a joke! I feel like a clutz, my fingers feel like their huge and slippery. I can't seem to grip the yarn. I'm not giving up!

I am happy though and feel like the knitting community is just what I need. I've been wanting a group to sit and talk and drink coffee with. It seems that knitters are quirky and eccentric and enjoy a sense of community which I'm all about. I love the fact that knitting gives me a sense of accomplishment. Or at least it will when I can actually begin :) I can be productive while waiting in lines, sitting in front of the tv, just about anywhere I can sit, I can knit....

The knitting shop in the Highlands was like heaven. MerryBeth kept laughing at my goofy grin and my excitement when I was talking with the owner about knitting. After a cup of coffee, a tour of the top and bottom floors, a good feel of all of the yarns and projects, we were walking out and she said, "I like to see you smile like that" and I said it feels good to smile.

At work, my cafe manager who is a knitter too, made me feel included when I told her I took a lesson by coming back to my office to get me to come out to the cafe and meet a German knitter friend of hers and look at her fingerless gloves, lovely green elbow length chunky things...She introduced me as a new knitter and we all talked for a bit about knitting etc.

I've been craving an activity to keep my hands busy as my mind seems to always be running a race. Its fun learning something completely new and foreign and meeting others that are farther down the path than me. I feel like a kid again in many ways yet this time there seems to be a warm inviting community waiting with open arms to help me succeed.

Ask and it is Given

So instead of just feeling the envy I was talking about in my last post, I decided to take action and put it out into the universe that I had the creative bug and am looking for others that might be interested in getting together to do projects...

Lo and behold I've heard from 4 others and its only been one day, yes...So one does beading and candlemaking, another knits for a non-profit called Tiny Stitches where they create handmade gifts to give to babies in Georgia hospitals :) one does pottery and the other is just extremely interested in being part of a creative group too....

I think with each of us bringing our interests and our gifts to the table, we can really have some fun and make some cool things....

Who knows, maybe I will have something on etsy.com one of these days too!

Envy

Sometimes I think envy can be a good thing if paid attention to. If I feel pangs of envy, I can stop and think about what exactly I'm envious of and see if it is something I want to do something about. Is this envy stemming from a place of desire to have or do something someone else is? If so, I can make it my intention to incorporate it into my life.
For instance, a friend of mine is extremely artistic, I believe everyone is creative as I believe it is our purpose to create. What we create differs from person to person but we are natural creators so when people say "I don't have a creative bone in my body" I cringe as I do believe that is our purpose. Now discovering what our gifts are is another story but I do believe we are all born with creative gifts, each unique and complimentary to the universe.
So back to my artistic friend, and I choose artistic instead of creative as I feel an artist or artistic person is putting their creativity to use. They are actually creating or producing something and not just thinking and talking about it. My friend has very similar taste as me, very shabby chic for home decor and very classic and Audrey Hepburnish for clothing and is constantly making something such as handmade books, quilts, sketches, jewelry. It seems as though its effortless for her to have a project in the make. When I look at pictures of her apartment or see her products on etsy, I have this gut wrenching feeling of envy. Why can't I make that? Why don't I have the energy, the time, the motivation to put my creativity to use? It seems I always have an excuse for why I don't paint on my blank canvas in the closet, why I haven't learned to knit or crochet, why I don't take the time to create a handmade book seeing as I'm so obsessed with books and all? and the list of excuses goes on and on....
In my case, the envy I feel when I hear a writer talk about their writing process, see an art exhibit with really cool art that I can relate to, see a handmade bag or book or useful product needs to take me to the next level of actually doing something about it. If all I feel is envy and do nothing to relieve it, what's it worth? I don't want to just talk about my creative aspirations, I want to indulge them. I want to honor that feeling in my gut that says "I can do that" I want to say "I did that".

Today I'm grateful for feeling creative and feeling the desire to make something with my hands.

My intention is to do something about it.

The highlight of yesterday was my book group last night, we read poetry and drank wine and shared our innermost desires, dreams and wishes (not really) but we did read poetry, drink wine and laugh a lot...

Passion

From my experience, when I'm doing something I love or am passionate about, I have an endless supply of energy. It seems I can keep going for long stretches without eating, sleeping, complaining or making any excuses. It also seems these times of endless energy and enthusiasm are few and far between. I'm not sure if its due to the work stress, financial stress or general life stress fatique but I tend to neglect taking time for myself or spending time on personal projects or goals when I'm depleted. The one thing I can do is take a nap. Avoidance I'm sure but it sure feels like I must have or need that sleep.

When I am in that place of endless energy and enthusiasm, I often feel like it must mean I'm on my "path" or at least going in the right direction. By living intentionally, I feel like I'm creating the life I want to live. But what happens when all of the road blocks of life outside of my control are thrown into my path? I can't control that yet it does take my energy and leave me depleted.

I often make a goal of doing at least one thing everyday that scares me or is new or is moving toward the life I want to create. Sometimes I succeed and other times I take a nap instead.

Today my intention is to do something towards my goal of creating my life plan, most likely it will be studying the GRE if even for an hour or two.

Today I am grateful for referrals from my customers that I've built a strong dependable relationship with as these referrals are keeping me afloat in this slow economy even with my higher than realistic sales goals set by the corporate office who is out of touch with reality.

The highlight of this past weekend was my first kayaking experience on the Chatahoochee River. I managed to get in and out of the kayak without capsizing :)

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

Mary Oliver

I received this quote in an email today and it relates to a couple of things I've been thinking about lately. First, since I'm trying to focus my energies on studying for the GRE, I requested that the book group I host out of my apartment forgive me and change our choices for August and September to something a little shorter such as an essay, article or poetry on by or about women or women's issues. With the recommendation of one of the members, we've decided to go with poetry and her and I have chosen a poem each of Mary Oliver's to bring and discuss with the group. I wrote recently in this blog about what Oliver's poem The Journey meant to me and I'm bringing that to the book club discussion. Low and behold I receive the email with her poem...

I also made note of another quote I heard on an audio book by Wayne Dyer.

"Don't die with your music still in you"

This quote I've heard somewhere before and it really hit home with me as it seems I've spent a lot of my life putting off pursuing my passions, I've always thought "When the kids grow up" "When I get more money" "When I get another degree" or some excuse. This quote makes me think about what if I died tomorrow or was told I had 6 months to live. How important would it be to go for my dreams and put aside all of the excuses. Wayne Dyer speaks of a woman who felt too old to return to school and when asked "How old will you be in 5 years if you don't go back to school?" She says 49, "How will you be in 5 years if you do?" 49......

Time is precious, my life is precious and I don't want to take it for granted. I don't want to have regrets over things I didn't try or pursue.

I don't want to die with my music still in me.

On Children

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

by Khalil Gibran

This poem was read to me by my mother when I was much too young to appreciate it. However, as they say the seeds are planted, it felt like coming home when I'd stumbled upon it years later. I had my mom sit on the steps of the alter and read this to the children at my wedding. Even though the marriage wasn't eternal, I hope the seeds of this poem are inside of all those that sat quietly listening to her read that day. Lately, I've spent so much energy worrying about my daughter and trying to get her to see my vision for her, when all the while I've lost the meaning of this very touching poem that was read to her and all those at the wedding. She does not belong to me and although I may give her my love, not my thoughts, for her thoughts are her own.

Gibran says "You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you" and looking back at most of the suffering I've experienced while raising her, it has been due to my expectations of how she should live and what she should be doing instead of loving her unconditionally and accepting her just the way she is. I wouldn't want her to be like me but to want her to be safe and happy and secure is what I've always wished for. I am realizing that she is on her path to safety, happiness and security. It is not my path, it is not up to me how she gets where she's going. I'll never stop wanting her highest good, I think this is what most parents want for their children. I just have to learn to let go and realize that I don't know what her highest good is and that I can't save her from pain and suffering. For it is through pain and suffering, she will grow and become wise in ways I couldn't have given her. Just as my mother watches from the sidelines as I go down my path , worrying, and anxious all the while, probably wondering why I make some of the choices I do, I must watch my daughter.

"For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams" Not quite sure why this line makes me sad but it does. Maybe because I cannot be in all the places she will be to keep her safe, I cannot protect her everywhere she goes nor will I be around forever. I guess it makes me feel very mortal and that as I grow older, life gets shorter and sometimes I'm faced with the reality that there won't always be a tomorrow. That is why loving her today and accepting her now are all the more important.

My intention today is to try and take it easy on myself. I often find I am my own worst enemy and never give myself a break. Guilt seems to be a feeling I often carry, not sure if its part of being a mom or something I created in my youth. I can remember my mom telling me when I was little, "Guilt is a man made emotion, get over it" so I must have felt guilty even as a young child. It is tiring to carry guilt around and I am ready to release it and forgive myself for all that I regret or wish I could have done better. I'm ready to be kinder to myself. Maybe once I do this, I can offer her my love without strings or obligations.

I am grateful today for the opportunity I had in a coffee shop while studying math (elementary mind you) for the GRE to meet a man who sat beside me as he edited something he'd written. We exchanged greetings and I discovered he is a minister and was editing his sermon for tomorrow. Prior to discovering that, he asked me what I was studying and why, I told him for the GRE to apply to a graduate program in Women's Studies and how much I love learning and would be a professional student if I could. He agreed and we talked of building communities, finding other kindred spirits, how difficult it was to find others of like mind but he affirmed they were out there, we just have to look. So much was said in such little time but I needed to leave and as I got up, he handed me a folded piece of paper which he said was his sermon he was working on. I looked at it in the car and amazingly enough, several of the topics we covered in that short time, were all there in his sermon. There are no coincidences I remind myself.

The highlight of yesterday was speaking with Victor the St. Lucian and learning of his background and a small part of the St. Lucian's history. I asked him why he was so passionate about creating an organization for the local St. Lucians and he responded that when people ask him where he's from, they've often never heard of St. Lucia or the culture. I told him not to take it personal as when I tell people I'm from New Mexico, they ask if I have US citizenship and New Mexico is just down the road compared to the St. Lucia....He laughed :)

The Only Life You Can Save

The Journey

One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began, though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice - - though the whole house began to tremble and you felt the old tug at your ankles. "Mend my life!" each voice cried. But you didn't stop. You knew what you had to do, though the wind pried with its stiff fingers at the very foundations, though their melancholy was terrible. It was already late enough, and a wild nigh, and the road full of fallen branches and stones. But little by little, as you left their voices behind, the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds, and there was a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own, that kept you company as you strode deeper and deeper into the world, determined to do the only thing you could do -- determined to save the only life you could save.

by Mary Oliver

This poem can bring me to my knees. I've lived it or shall I say survived it. I finally did hear my own voice that had been trying to speak my whole life yet due to my lack of attention, began to whisper and possibly fade away. I picked up an audio of Wayne Dyer's new book Excuses Begone: How to Change Lifelong, Self Defeating Thinking Habits and as usual in self-help books, nothing I'm hearing is new to me however putting it into practice is another story.

The line in Oliver's poem, "though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice - - though the whole house began to tremble and you felt the old tug at your ankles" makes me feel like its referring to family or friends that I've heard throughout my life and have influenced me in ways that might have prohibited me from living my authentic life. Their intentions were most likely coming from a good place, just not "my" place.

In the end, determined to do the only thing you could do -- determined to save the only life you could save, is the truth I have come to discover though not easily. I have no control over anything outside of myself. The only changes I can make are within myself and with those changes, others around me are forced to change their dance or walk away.

Today my intention is to slow down, pay attention to whatever is in front of me instead of thinking about what else I should be doing.

Today I am grateful for the opportunity to be there for a man from St. Lucia that is looking for a way to start an organization for St. Lucians here in Georgia. Bouncing ideas back and forth, he and I were there for each other and coming from a similar place of wanting to serve others. There was nothing tangible in our exchange for either of us but there was an exchange of energy and its funny how when I give of myself from this unconditional place, instead of being depleted, I'm replenished.

The highlight of yesterday would have to be the loaf of cinammon bread my assistant manager brought me from the Harvest Bread Company, I had mentioned how much I like to eat snacks before bed like cinnamon toast and pbjs. we'll see how long that loaf lasts....

Questions

i beg you... to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. and the point is, to live everything. live the questions now. perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer...
rainer maria rilke

i love this quote, it is one of my favorites. i love quotes for their inspiration and affirmations for the same reason. i find that i struggle at times with the unknown in a situation as if by knowing the outcome i could behave accordingly, as if by knowing the answers would ease my stress and worries...i should know better and do know better from a logical standpoint, but from an emotional standpoint, i'm a little behind.

logically, i know that i must experience struggles, challenges, and suffering in order to grow and learn as a spiritual being. emotionally, i just know i want to avoid pain, fear, disappointment, frustration and all the other not so joyful feelings. from experience, i do know after hitting rock bottom, not only will i survive but i'll eventually float back to the surface in one piece and with a wisdom i couldn't have found in a book, from a friend, or anywhere else except inside of myself.

today my intention is to breathe deeper, to appreciate the air that i breathe everyday without noticing.

today i am grateful for my autonomic nervous system which operates under the radar of my awareness. thank you...

the highlight of yesterday was the connection i made with a woman in line at the cafe in the store. she was visiting from out of town and considering moving here. she lost her public relations job and was interested in what positions my company might have such as mine at other bookstores. she needed a connection, as did i, amidst all of the emails and phone calls in my office. it was nice to have actually slowed down long enough to experience it.

Brand New Blog

Wow, my first blog in this new blog I started today, what pressure....
I have another blog where I post mostly about books but I've been thinking of starting a new one for non-book related writing so here I am. Why the name Buddhatude? What does it mean to me? Well, I journal and last year began a gratitude journal where I sat down daily and wrote answers to three short questions: 1) What are my intentions for the day? 2) What am I grateful for and 3) What was the highlight of the day?

Digression - I recently registered to take the GRE to apply to a graduate program which has been a dream of mine for over 13 years, save taking the GRE, I would have most likely had my Ph.D. by now. I am the type of person that thrives on inspiration and when I'm in a dry spell, I realize due to my own lack of motivation to seek it out, I get depressed and want to sleep more than anything else. I had my initial spurt of inspiration after registering for the GRE, then the stress of the test, the lack of time to study or desire I guess, sets in and I'm back in the place of needing new inspiration or motivation hmmmm Very tiring cycle I live in.

So this morning, like so many of not wanting to get up and go to work, although I love my job, just not feeling like I'm moving in my personal life plan, not feeling the inspiration, I decided to take some of my own advice I've often offered others in distress, think of the positive things I have, my health, my job (especially in this economy), I work with books which is my passion, my children and family, my girlfriend and much, much more and thought instead of journaling my gratitude and intentions for myself, why not send it out into the universe? So here I am.

The name Buddhatude came to me after struggling for a long time with what to call this type of blog. As far as spirituality, I feel closest to the Buddhist philosophy as it has offered me survival skills at times in my life where I didn't know how to survive. "Be here now" "Live in the moment" "Be present and awake and aware" "Sit with it". So combining my love of the buddhist philosphy and my attitude of gratitude, I created Buddhatude and was actually really surprised it was available.

As for today, my intention is to pay attention to all that is brought to my awareness and be still and quiet long enough to see its meaning and what I'm supposed to get from it. Today, I'm grateful for inspiration and I have yet to see what will be the highlight of my day! How exciting......