You Don't Always Get What You Want

but...you know the rest....

Have been knitting again lately and it reminds me so much of why I began knitting in the first place, the desire to create something with my hands. The desire to bring something tangible into the world, something I've created with my own two hands.

I've often felt disconnected to things because I live a lot in my head. My thoughts are my friends. Maybe this comes from being an only child with a busy mother that raised me in her spare time. Trust me, this is true. She often retells the time I found her book lying around somewhere titled something like "How to Raise Kids in Your Spare Time" and how it appalled me even when I was young. I can laugh at it now because I know my mother and she was a great mother to me and still is, although we are more friends than parent and child obviously. I was more of the parent to her actually and she often would say when I corrected her behavior in front of others "I gave birth to my mother".

So back to my story. Feeling somewhat disconnected to things during my life, even though I now consider it very Zen, I fear that without some connection I could very easily float away. I've often felt I don't belong here, I'm so different and the way I think is so different that I've felt very alone at times and only now am I able to be okay with that feeling knowing that we all feel that way at times and that we are all unique. My lonliness or my feelings of not fitting in are not unique. With this feeling of disconnectedness, I crave connection, with others, with my higher power, with nature. Material things have never been important to me. Another story my mom likes to tell is how she would have to beg me to get up on Christmas mornings to come see what Santa brought me. I wasn't all that excited. I did it more for her, she was like a child on Christmas morning and as most mothers do, got excited to give me toys and "things" and I went along with it but really wasn't into "things" and still am not too much into "things".

However, dabbling in art throughout my life, my mom is a professional artist by the way, I've never been able to find my form of self expression outside of writing. I wanted to create something I could hold, something I could give to someone, something I could sale or something I could display at an art show. I wanted to be able to turn something from one form into another with my hands. Being nonmaterialistic and therefore practical about "things", knitting was the perfect outlet for my creative endeavor of making something with my hands and making something useful and practical, not wasting materials etc. I've made numerous collages that hang on my walls and under my bed and in my closets but wanted to make something to be used not stored or hung if you know what I mean.

I love the colors, the feel, the textures, the smells, haven't tasted yarn yet. All of the senses are stimulated when I go into a yarn shop and walk around trying to find that perfect skein that speaks to me. I always go in with an idea from a book that I want to create and it never happens that I find what the book is asking for but it always happens that I find a project and yarn that speaks to me at that moment. Today I skipped softball practice because I needed a yarn project fix, I needed to touch, see and salivate over mohair, alpaca, merino wool and cashmere. I brought my most favorite knitting book Intertwined with the hopes of buying some handspun yarn and making this really cool hat and walked out with another kind of yarn, beautiful and calling my name, another hat pattern and new needles. It's not what I wanted when I set out to take this trip across town to this little yarn shop called Only Ewe but it ended up being exactly what I needed, a new project to create something useful with my hands.

May you be open to finding what it is that you need to feel complete and whole and fulfilled if even just for today.

Scripting

Well, just got home from a scripting class. What is scripting you ask? Well, I'll give you my definition of scripting. Scripting is basically using your creative visualization and taking it a step further by writing it down on paper. So for example, I've applied to a graduate program in women's studies at Georgia State University, which I really have, I promise :) and in order to utilize the law of attraction, I will write about being accepted and any details I wish to come to fruition as if they have already happened. It is a way to get in touch with the emotions involved with receiving what it is I want to create and have in my life and by moving into the consciousness of living the life I desire, whatever that may be, I will attract that life to me if it is meant to be.

Along those lines though, I want to remain open to receiving what is my highest good and therefore will not limit my scripting to specifics or at least if I write specifics, to make a mental note that I'm open to receiving that wish I write about or better...Or better is the key here...

I've never been to a scripting class however I do know and believe in the law of attraction and have read Shakti Gawain's Creative Visualization be it many years ago when I wasn't really ready to put it into practice. Funny enough, I've practiced scripting and wasn't even aware that I did. Just last week, I decided to write my own acceptance letter from GSU to myself congratulating me on being accepted into the Women's Studies program with a full scholarship and a research position to boot worth $40K (which is more than enough for me to live on, I'm very zen and don't require much :)) So by writing this letter, I even uploaded the GSU logo onto the letterhead for effect, I was scripting. I didn't stop there though which is really cool. I emailed this letter to numerous friends asking them to read it with belief and send positive energy to the fulfillment of this acceptance letter. I was overjoyed when so many people responded with well wishes and some even went a step further and said they saw themselves at my graduation. They were scripting and didn't know it either lol...Since then, several people have asked me to create a letter for whatever it is they are searching for so I'm happy to know not only did they buy into it, they want some more for themselves...Yes...

So an example of not limiting the manifestation of said creative scripting of one's dreams is that in this letter of acceptance where I was rewarded a stipend of $40K, I hold the space open for that money or more to come from any source, multiple sources if need be not necessarily GSU. I wouldn't want to limit what the universe is willing to provide me right?

The journal you see above was one that stood out for me when I stopped at Target on my way home. It brings feelings of fun, innocence, playfulness and staying childlike and open to opportunities. Children aren't skeptics like adults and this year I'm bound and determined to get in touch with my inner little girl. The one that believed she could do anything. The one that wasn't afraid to rock the boat, to dream big, to break records and rules. This cover speaks all of that to me and more.

May you get in touch with your passion today, tomorrow and beyond. It's contagious and God knows we could use a bit more passion in our lives.

Skater girl signing off!

Facing my fears

I’ve often heard the phrase “Do something everyday that scares you” and always wanted to live that way because as I’ve said in a previous post, I’ve often chosen the safe road, the one with the least resistance, the one with the least conflict. With somewhat of an unstable childhood, not bad just lacking in some things that made me feel secure, I’ve spent most of my adult life trying to create stability even at the cost of happiness.

I believe things are brought to our attention when needed or better said, “When the student is ready, the teacher will arrive” and so I pay attention when someone sends me a quote or recommends a book or I hear a song that moves me. I’m always looking for messages and remember a time when I questioned whether or not I even had guardian angels or a higher power looking after me and guiding me. I now know that I do and that it is totally up to me to pay attention, messages are everywhere, in friends and family, in music, in books, in movies, on pieces of paper left randomly for me to find, in fortune cookies and just about everywhere else we choose to look and see a message.

Now I get these messages everyday, some stronger and have more of an impact than others and it makes life exciting. A friend sent me a quote from a book because she felt I might relate which told me that she knows me more than I thought or that maybe I’m more transparent and the outside is beginning to match the inside more and more which is exactly what I want as I choose to live with intent and wish to bring to me that which is mine and that which will make me the best version of myself. This quote moved me beyond belief and stays with me everyday,

“At forty-two I’d never done anything that took my own breath away, and I suppose now that was part of the problem – my chronic inability to astonish myself”

So thinking along the lines of facing my fears, I decided to join a softball team. I’ve only played one season a few years ago and was so filled with anxiety during that season that I happily stayed in the dugout cheering everyone else on with the occasional opportunity to play in the game. I consider myself fairly in shape and active however I’ve never been competitive and never played competitive sports. I am hard on myself and always have pushed myself in solitary activities such as 10 years of ballet, running and weight training. My fear in regards to playing softball is letting the team down. I feel so much pressure to catch the ball, stop the grounder ball, hit the ball and throw the ball far enough in order to score or prevent the other team from scoring that I haven’t enjoyed “playing” for the sake of playing. Being surrounded by women that have played softball since they could walk doesn’t help much either.

Needless to say, I had my first practice on Sunday and much to my surprise, everyone was very supportive and didn’t make me feel center stage, which is not what I want to feel. I don’t want everyone stopping and looking at me while someone coaches me. Wow, the pressure! Overall, it was a good experience and still scares the s… out of me thinking about next week’s scrimmage and then the entire season of Friday night games. I am determined to not back down and to push myself through this fear and anxiety and come out the other side. Funny enough, my team’s name is Scared Hitless which I like to laugh at the irony as I’m Scared Sh..less

Smile

So my original inspiration for writing today was something I read in Kris Carr’s book, Crazy, Sexy Cancer Survivor “Remember feelings aren’t facts, feelings are signposts” because it reminded me of what a counselor told me not too long ago. During a mini emotional meltdown after the ending of a three-year relationship, I called her in a state of high anxiety needing someone unbiased to listen to me and remind me that “This too shall pass.” and she was that person. She told me that my feelings are just that, feelings, nothing more, they aren’t me, they aren’t in control and they are temporary. Allowing myself to feel them, acknowledge them and not attach myself to them will allow me to move through them. So I did.

But sitting at my desk in the back office of a bookstore today, I hear a call for someone to pick up line 2 for customer service and being that a bookseller called out today, I try to help catch the phone calls when everyone else is busy helping customers on the floor. I answered the phone and proceeded to get the customer’s request of a book and headed out to the book floor to search for the book. It was The Boy in Striped Pajamas by John Boyne by the way and a very sad but good book that was recently made into a movie. So standing in front of the teen fiction section looking at the Bs for Boyne, I was unable to locate the one copy our system said we had but I did see an index card sticking out from that shelf so I grabbed it to throw it away, you wouldn’t believe how much trash people leave laying around the store such as napkins, Kleenexes, cups, paper and everything else you can think of. I feel like a maid sometimes. Anyway, I pulled the index card out and looked at it and found a nice little message left randomly just for someone like me to pick up.

On the one hand, it did make me smile just thinking that I found something that was purposefully left for someone to pick up and see. On the other hand, I’ve been a little frustrated lately with being told by everyone I work with to “Smile, it can’t be that bad.” or “What’s wrong? You look so sad.” And I’ve vented to friends and family and co-workers that it’s impossible to smile 24/7 and that nothing is wrong and that I live in my head a lot so am not even aware I have a serious look on my face and then lastly but not very nicely that I’m sorry you’re uncomfortable with the look on my face or the feelings you think I have such as sad or mad or whatever. Sorry, it just rubs me wrong when it’s not realistic to walk around with a bright sunshiney face all of the time.

But in the end, I’m enjoying my little message and hopefully whomever left it will someday know that it did bring a smile to this serious girl’s face.

Adversity & Fear

“Adversity puts us on the rim and while we are on the rim we have an opportunity to appreciate and express fear simultaneously.” Kris Carr

So far my theme this year is facing fear and all that entails. My son who lives in San Diego and I have a very close relationship and often spend hours on the phone philosophizing, sharing our current creative endeavors, talking about relationship dynamics, both his and mine, listening to each other’s current challenges and intentions. Being that he has been in my life since I was 16, he is much more than a son to me, he’s a friend, an equal sometimes and yet far more insightful and wise than me in so many ways. When he entered my life, he brought peace, love, an understanding of what it really means to give and receive unconditional love, a calmness to my storm, and I always referred to him as my little Buddha to others, he was and still is my rock.

So when he talks, I listen, when he holds a mirror to my face, I listen, not always with immediate acceptance but eventually with appreciation and acknowledgement. He sees me, he knows me, he loves me unconditionally therefore I know when he calls me on something, it’s from a good place and with most people, we may hear what they’re saying and we might not depending on what we think their intentions are. We often say, “We’ll listen and take what we need and leave the rest.” or “They need to walk a mile in my shoes before they give me feedback or advice or their opinion.”

He’s recently decided to write a screenplay which also could be a book first, not sure yet, about his experience of love in all it’s forms in his life. In order to do this he told me he may need my help in remembering things from his childhood but then again he also is thinking the accuracy isn’t the most important but the feelings evoked from the telling of a story, his story. So we’ve been talking quite a bit lately about love and all that it entails and the different types of love whether it be familial, friendship, romantic, idealistic and much, much more. When we get into these long conversations, I look to him to give me insight into my behaviors throughout his life in regards to my past relationships and my fears, my struggles etc. I value his perspective knowing he doesn’t know all of me, knowing I know me like no other knows me yet with my defense mechanisms, I’m not always aware of how I’m limiting myself in regards to really living life to the fullest. I honor his opinion because he lives his life to the fullest, more so than anyone I’ve ever met. He doesn’t take the safe road, he tends to take the most risky in order to follow his heart. Now I will say he doesn’t have 2 children as I did from such a young age which gives him a sense of freedom that I didn’t have but even that says something. He chose differently. He chooses differently to this day and I honor him for that.

My point and I do have one is that the other night he told me, loose translation by the way “Mom, you’ve always lived from this place of doing what’s right or at least what you think is right versus wrong. You always think about if what you do is going to hurt someone or cause someone or something harm or if it’s morally right and I think that has held you back in life at times.” What it made me feel is like I’ve lived safe, I’ve lived small, I’ve lived for others or for what I thought others would want and need. I made choices to keep the peace, calm, no conflict. But now that is not enough for me. Now I’m realizing that I really haven’t been living but merely surviving. I never wanted to stand out because I didn’t want attention. I did want to be small in order to disappear into the crowd. I’m not sure why and it really doesn’t matter at this point because I’ve now come to see myself as larger than life. I now feel big, powerful, intelligent, thirsty for more, confident, excited, a little scared but alive.

I told a friend the other day that I’m often scared of my own power, scared of how much I can actually influence and inspire and motivate those around me and maybe it is because with that comes a responsibility. Once I have awareness of something, I cannot go back to lack of awareness, to that place of “ignorance is bliss” state of being in the world. I want to make a difference, I want to live my life on purpose with an awareness that will enable me to push the boundaries and face my fears and thrive instead of merely survive. So I’m living my adversity, my uniqueness, my differences for the first time in my life and learning to be okay with being quirky, being different, not fitting in and knowing that it’s okay because it takes all of us and all of our differences to make a more holistic world. How boring if we were all alike right? So when you get to know me and see me resisting or holding back, I give you permission to nudge me a little, wake me up, remind me of my intention to live my life to the fullest and with wild, succulent abandonment. It’s through living in and with adversity, I choose to astonish myself, to take my own breath away as Sue Monk Kidd said in The Mermaid Chair. I’m full of anticipation and it’s a great place to be.

Growing Pains

Well I’m not talking about the sitcom but about my life. It’s interesting how I am feeling much like I was as a teenager in regards to not feeling like I fit in anywhere. At the age of 15, my focus from trying to find where I fit in high school swiftly shifted to focusing on becoming a mother and soon after wife. Although I felt so much passion for being the best mother I could, I often found myself floundering in that same feeling of not fitting in anywhere. I no longer connected with my age group as their focus was on socializing and grades and image, where it should have been, and mine was on buying diapers, formula, & clothes for a baby and maintaining a teen marriage with the father of my son. I didn’t feel like I fit in with other mothers as they were up to twice my age and with much more life experience and self-knowledge.

At this point in my life, I find myself feeling some of the same feelings of separateness and not fitting in as I did back then. I’m recently out of a three-year relationship where I’m realizing I’d lost myself and lost my connections to friends. Making friends is never easy, not acquaintances, but friends, especially as an adult because we are either at work or in transit to and from work and aren’t as exposed to groups and opportunities to meet like minded people. I have to seek them out and then that still leaves out those that aren’t out in the public gatherings. It makes me wonder how many like minded spirits are not visible but then I have to go back to the belief that I will attract what is mine when I’m ready, no need to grasp for anything really. Whatever I need is already here and it is all for my highest good….

The difference between then and now is that I’m more aware of my feelings, my fears, my insecurities and I’m willing to sit with them while I forge my way through this jungle. I’m less willing to give up parts of myself in order to “fit in”. This is a good thing however it is not easy and old habits are hard to break. My comfort zone in the past has been to do things I’m not passionate about or spend time with others even if it wasn’t someone I felt a deep connection with. That led to feeling exhausted and depleted at the end of the day, sometimes resentful but only mad at myself for not honoring my true desires. I’m much more aware of my energy and the effects of those around me and the effects of other’s energy and activities on my energy.
Through the holidays with all of the gatherings, I found myself in a place I’d not been before, single, independent, free, open yet somewhat lonely, afraid and questioning a lot of my intentions, others intentions and my place in this world without the label of girlfriend, mother, wife etc. It is the first time in my life I feel free of labels and have the ability to define myself, the direction my life will take without the need to sacrifice or give up anything. Knowing that my choices are not going to hurt someone else is such a freeing feeling but also very new to me. As much as I want this freedom, it’s like “now what do I do with it?”

Last night at a party, I was keenly aware of my singlehood if that makes sense…Up until now, my life experience has been as a couple. I’ve always had a significant other, someone who loved me, cared about my feelings, someone to be there at the end of the day and someone to make eye contact with across the room when I’m feeling overwhelmed in a social setting, just that little comfort knowing I had someone that put me first. Surrounded by couples and all of that newness that comes with the honeymoon phase left me feeling very alone yet I also am grateful for the opportunity to be aware of my feelings and be okay with allowing myself to feel them as I know they are feelings and not my essence. They will come and they will go as will the fears, the insecurities, the questions, the highs, the lows, the good stuff and the not so good stuff, it’s all temporary. Right now I’m where I need to be and instead of asking “Why me?” I’ll ask “Why not me?” and “Why is this happening for me?” I saw a great bumper sticker the other day and can relate to it “Stand before the people you fear and speak your mind – even if your voice shakes” and my voice is a little shaky these days but I refuse to silence it.

Permission

"If you haven't already, now is the time to give yourself authorization to define your own journey."

Another inspiring line from the book I mentioned yesterday from Kris Carr, Crazy Sexy Cancer Survivor: More Rebellion and Fire for your Healing Journey. As I eluded to yesterday, take the C word out and just replace it with whatever challenges or obstacles you have on any given day and this book is an amazing tool to reclaim your own power back. I don't want anyone to get the idea that I'm downplaying cancer or any other diagnosis by saying that our daily challenges are anywhere compared to a serious illness, I am simply saying that we can use this Kick Ass Attitude Kris talks about to feel empowered and take control of our lives when we feel out of control.

I believe daily stressors over long periods of time have an effect on our health and immune systems that can lead to disease and other psychological issues so if we begin to see how our choices, our attitudes, our thoughts all have consequences, we can create our best selves adn the life we want in order to find whatever it is we are looking for. Personally, I would much rather practice preventative measures than wait until something is amiss before paying attention to my mental, physical and spiritual essence. Stepping off the soap-box now....

In her quote above, I like that she acknowledges the fact that many of us haven't allowed ourselves permission to create our journey. For some reason we've felt obligated to others, to jobs, to roles we've chosen or bought into what others expected of us and we forgot our purpose or desires along the way. It seems that as children we knew what we liked, what our passions were, what we wanted and we weren't afraid to ask for it and try things. Somewhere along the way, we lost that ability or we repressed it and this quote reminds me that I can give myself permission so to speak to define what my journey is to me and to no one else.

I'm ready........

Survivor

It never fails that when I walk back into the receiving department of the bookstore I work in, I see a book on the pile of new books just received, yet to be shelved, and salivate over it and feel I'll never be happy unless I have it as my own. I tuck it under my arm and slink out of the receiving department so as not to piss anyone off that I've grabbed a new book before it even made it to the floor. I take it to my office and drool over it until the end of the day when at that point the newness has either worn off or I still believe I can't live without it and proceed to the register to buy said book.
Today, I saw a book that caught my eye. It's the second book by this author about her experience with cancer and I've seen her documentary about her experience and loved it. It's called Crazy Sexy Cancer Survivor: More Rebellion and Fire for your Healing Journey by Kris Carr. Now I absolutely loved her first book Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips for her creativity and photos and honesty even though it can bring tears to my eyes but then again, I love something that can move me to tears. I debated whether buying a book about surviving cancer would jinx me as I don't have and don't plan on getting that diagnosis, ever...However, her message about surviving against all odds, about healing, about empowerment, basically about living and thriving not just maintaining for however long we are meant to be in this physical body. I think it is a message everyone can benefit from the same way I think we can all benefit from the 12 steps whether we have an addiction or not.
Some of the section titles are; Mind, Body aka Lovin' the Temple, Jesus, Buddha, Elvis, ETC.
One quote I turned to that immediately caught my eye and my heart "I feel naked and abandoned. I do my very best. I work so hard to "let go" of all the nasties in me, to do the "right" thing, and yet here I am drifting in a shit storm! I'd crawl on broken glass to go back, but I know I can't. So what should I do? How do I tie my shoe so I can take one step forward?" Wow, even though I am healthy, thank God, I've felt this way on one occasion or another. I think we have all felt this way and had to find the "survivor" inside that would and could get us through the challenge and to the other side.
So, thinking that an ounce of prevention is worth, oh I can't remember the rest, I'm buying this book for the survivor in me, for the fighter against all odds of the daily trials and tribulations I encounter and I want to toast in honor of Kris Carr and ask that you check her out online http://www.crazysexycancer.com/ she is a kick butt kind of gal I wish the best for and thank from the bottom of my heart for her inspiration and strength and creativity! What a positive woman! Oh and it doesn't hurt that she's hot!