First day of school, grad school that is. Brand new back pack, brand new books, brand new perspective on life. I love beginnings. I love when I don't know what to expect but yet still have this feeling that whatever may come will be good, will be exciting, will be challenging yet energizing. One of the biggest challenges I've had to overcome in my life is setting unrealistic expectations only to be disappointed with reality once it sets in. I've worked hard at not having expectations because for awhile there I went from high expectations to low expectations which is not much better because it gave me a pessimistic view. No expectations or at least being open to "whatever happens" seems to be the best for me.

I had no expectations that riding Marta to GSU would be eventful at all and guess what? It was anything but uneventful. Buying my roundtrip Marta pass was easy enough. Stepping onto the train was easy enough. 30 minutes left before my meeting with my professor so all was good on time, until, the train stopped in the middle of the Inman Park and King Memorial station. Just stopped in the air on the track and didn't move for about 10 minutes until a conductor came barreling through our car saying "i'm gonna have to take yall back to Inman Park".

That is when the 20 something year old disturbed looking kid directly across from me began dialing on his cell phone. I'd noticed this guy from the time I sat down because he had his backpack at his feet and was reading a geography book but his eyebrows were furrowed and he looked a little off somehow. He just had this negative energy about him like he was irritated with the world or had a chip on his shoulder. I know I'm usually really perceptive when it comes to people's energy and soon found out that it was no different in this case. He proceeded to explain in a loud voice so everyone could hear that the train had broken down, "we're going to have to be cherry picked out of this thing with a firetruck" "we're 50 feet above ground mom, yes, I'm a little pissed off, everyone on here is pissed off and yelling" Wow, I looked around and everyone I saw was calm and minding their own business besides a young woman on her cell phone talking to HUD about her roach infested apartment and how she could break her lease without paying any penalties.

His anger and anxiety continued to escalate and everything his mother said to calm him down only pissed him off more. "Don't tell me it will all work out, that only pisses me off more mom" and "If they don't get this train moving fast, I'm going to have to kill someone, I'm stuck on here 50 feet above ground with a bunch of trained monkeys" All the while I'm looking around wondering if anyone else is worried about this timebomb going off. I chuckle to myself, "just my luck, headlines will read, 43 year old woman fulfills a dream by returning to school and is killed on the Marta train on the first day" reminded me of the Alanis Morrisette song "Isn't it Ironic?"

After 20 minutes the train begins to creep until we reach King Memorial and we are told to unload and catch the next train. We get off and I think to myself, God, please get that creep away from me and let me get to GSU on time or at least within 15 minutes of my appointment. Luckily I'd called Sasha from the train and asked her to get on my GSU account and email my prof about the situation so I felt some relief that she wouldn't think I was flaking out without contacting her, great first impression.

The next train came and we all rush to get on, it's full by the way so everyone is basically huddled standing in the middle holding on. The crazy guy is on my car but at least a few people away from me but still on his cell phone bitching to his mom. All of a sudden the guy in the picture with a book got annoyed, as I'm sure we all were, with this kid's whining to his mother and basically screaming into the phone so we all could hear. He screamed at the dude, "Shut the fuck up dude, we are all sick of hearing your whining to your mom, grow up and hang up the phone" and the dude got pissed and started screaming "you're going to jail" and the other guy said "why?" and the dude said "for assault" and everyone started laughing and chiding him right along with the man. One woman was screaming "This is too early for this shit, I haven't even had my coffee, shut up" and the more people were talking and raising their voices, the crazier it got as if all anyone needed was permission to get pissed at this dude. I was laughing but at the same time thinking this could turn into a riot and wondering if this is how riots begin, one person after another raising the bar on angry outbursts. We needed crowd control of some sort. I started looking for places I could duck and hide if someone pulled out a gun.

So that was my great start to my first day of grad school. Nothing else that day could compare to the excitement, fear, astonishment, unexpectedness of that Marta ride.

Walking into my prof's office having never met her before, I immediately apologized to her and to the other writing consultant that will be working with her in her other writing intensive class and briefly explained the Marta experience. I went on to say how you never know what to expect in life and I guess that was a prime example, I never thought the 30 minute Marta commute that morning would be all that it was and my prof said, "well, it really doesn't surprise me, anything can happen on Marta" good to know I thought, can't wait until tomorrow's commute.

May your day be filled with exciting experiences yet safe ones. At least safe in the sense of your physical well being but not safe from learning something new, being challenged to think outside of the box and gain a new perspective.

Kindness

by Naomi Shihab Nye

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.

You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.

Then it is only kindness that makes any sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and
purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
It is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you everywhere
like a shadow or a friend.

I've always loved this poem and may have even posted about it before but today really needed and wanted to read it again and share it with the universe. It amazes me how at times people can choose to be other than kind to one another. Life is hard enough without the added stress of unkindness but alas through loss and we begin to feel how connected we really are to every other living being.

"What we reject out there is only, after all, what we reject in ourselves; and the most numbing pain comes from the protected heart." Roger Housden in "Ten Poems to Open Your Heart"

May you see your connection to every thing you come into contact with and may you not only show kindness to those people or things, may they recipricate in kindness.

Peace

Nothing Gold Can Stay by Robert Frost

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

To me, this poem is about change. Everything is temporary. Happiness. Sadness. Alert. Asleep. Excited. Bored. Restless. Fulfilled.

When I feel something uncomfortable, it's often difficult to remember that "this too shall pass" as it is also difficult to accept that when things are good and I'm happy, "this too shall pass".

I try to remember to be grateful for all that I have experienced as it has brought me to the place I'm at now. Sometimes that is hard to remember when the place I'm at "now" isn't necessarily the place that I want to be either emotionally or physically. I keep reminding myself that there is a reason for everything. I may not and most likely will not see the reason while I'm in the experience however remembering that when I get through it I'll often see the benefit of it.

At times I wish I had the ability to see into the future if only to console my restless spirit or my suffering because then I think I could relax into the experience knowing it would pass and I'll be better for it. Then I realize that part of life is not knowing, it makes it interesting and worth living. I think I've decided that by paying attention and being aware as much as possible and by living intentionally, I'm right where I need to be for my highest good. I must be patient and live in this moment no matter how uncomfortable it may be as it too shall pass.

May you live each moment as it were your last or maybe your first. May you stay awake and aware and live with intention so that you can shine like the star you are meant to be.

Innocence

Lady Lazarus by Sylvia Plath

I have done it again.
One year in every ten
I manage it-----

A sort of walking miracle, my skin
Bright as a Nazi lampshade,
My right foot

A paperweight,
My featureless, fine
Jew linen.

Peel off the napkin
O my enemy.
Do I terrify?-------

The nose, the eye pits, the full set of teeth?
The sour breath
Will vanish in a day.

Soon, soon the flesh
The grave cave ate will be
At home on me

And I a smiling woman.
I am only thirty.
And like the cat I have nine times to die.

This is Number Three.
What a trash
To annihilate each decade.

What a million filaments.
The Peanut-crunching crowd
Shoves in to see

Them unwrap me hand and foot ------
The big strip tease.
Gentleman , ladies

These are my hands
My knees.
I may be skin and bone,

Nevertheless, I am the same, identical woman.
The first time it happened I was ten.
It was an accident.

The second time I meant
To last it out and not come back at all.
I rocked shut

As a seashell.
They had to call and call
And pick the worms off me like sticky pearls.

Dying
Is an art, like everything else.
I do it exceptionally well.

do it so it feels like hell.
I do it so it feels real.
I guess you could say I've a call.

It's easy enough to do it in a cell.
It's easy enough to do it and stay put.
It's the theatrical

Comeback in broad day
To the same place, the same face, the same brute
Amused shout:

'A miracle!'
That knocks me out.
There is a charge

For the eyeing my scars, there is a charge
For the hearing of my heart---
It really goes.

And there is a charge, a very large charge
For a word or a touch
Or a bit of blood

Or a piece of my hair on my clothes.
So, so, Herr Doktor.
So, Herr Enemy.

I am your opus,
I am your valuable,
The pure gold baby

That melts to a shriek.
I turn and burn.
Do not think I underestimate your great concern.

Ash, ash---
You poke and stir.
Flesh, bone, there is nothing there----

A cake of soap,
A wedding ring,
A gold filling.

Herr God, Herr Lucifer
Beware
Beware.

Out of the ash
I rise with my red hair
And I eat men like air.

I'm feeling a bit Plathish today if that makes sense. I do adore Ms. Plath, Sylvia that is. Her deep, introspective thoughts and questions never cease to amaze me and to think she was this way from childhood really makes me admire her more. I often think it's no wonder she wasn't long for this world. Her heaviness, her feelings of isolation, her struggle to understand her surroundings and make sense of the chaos inside and outside of her head was too much. I often feel at times I can relate to her feelings of "otherness" her feelings of either being misunderstood or not understood at all.

Everytime I read this poem, something different speaks to me. This morning it is the verse,
"Dying Is an art, like everything else. I do it exceptionally well."
Not to worry, I'm not relating to the literal physical dying but the dying of something inside such as loss; the loss of a dream, the loss of desire, the loss of hope, the loss of an idea, the loss of a sense of who I am, the loss of innocence and the list goes on.

I do seem to have a gift for the melancholy, a gift is a term I use loosely as others would view this as a curse. I choose to view this as a gift because it is so much a part of how I see the world that to not claim it and somehow make use of it would be unnatural for me. I do love life and do want to live it to the fullest so this melancholy, this introspective way of thinking, of seeing, of smelling, of tasting, of touching the world, is with me everywhere I go. My son told me one day, "Mom, I had this dream of you going away. You were sad and you were walking around touching things that meant something to you as if to say goodbye. I didn't know where you were going, only that you weren't coming back."

His dream does capture a bit of how I am, a bit of how I walk this earth. I do often walk through the rooms of my apartment looking at the things I've collected and carried with me through the years. Not much outside of books but a lot of inspirational quotes, pictures, art, a small shrine in my room....Lately I've returned again and again to a picture of myself at the age of one or two, sitting in a highchair, chubby legs and cheeks, anticipating all that life has to offer and most likely a chicken leg to chew on that given day. But the point is that I look at her, me, and wonder if I've given her the life she deserved. Have I let her down? Did I sell out? Did I settle? Where have I quit when I should have kept going? Is she disappointed in me?

I say I have no regrets, I like to believe that. I keep seeing a quote lately that speaks to me "Never have regrets because what you did was exactly what you wanted to do" or something along those lines. It is true although it doesn't take away the fear that I might have done things differently had I put this little girl's needs and wants first at times. If I had allowed her to come out and play more often, to not take care of everyone else's needs before I let her discover her own. My mom said I was always a serious child so it's no wonder I'm a serious adult. I do know how to have fun and lately this little girl in the picture has been calling to me from my dresser, from her high chair. She's telling me that it's not too late to choose "living fully" and learn to do it exceptionally well.

May you get in touch with your little girl or boy inside and ask her or him what it is that has been neglected in your spirit. May you discover what you can do today, tomorrow and for the rest of your life to bring out that child inside, to rediscover innocence and playfullness and life in every corner of your world.

Believe

Sometimes I fear there's a place deep inside of me, a dark, vulnerable, scary, sad, innocent, trusting, disappointed, lonely, misunderstood place that no one will ever be able to penetrate, to see, to understand, to touch, to heal...I am scared that I’ll always feel separate from others due to the inability of either myself to allow others in or the lack of another’s patience and persistence to visit this place deep inside of me.

I wonder if maybe this feeling I get often when I’m alone in nature is really about my connection to my higher power and that nothing of this world is meant to visit that place deep inside of me. I wonder if this place I’m aware of is between me and my creator and only for me to know, to question, to ponder, to feel, to see, to understand, to touch, to heal.

I want to believe that there will be another that walks this earth and will walk with me on my journey at times, will have the patience, the desire, the passion, the persistence, the fortitude to listen and respect this secret place inside of me that is unique, is special, is worthy of love, kindness, and gentleness.

May you find a connection with another spirit on this earth that will share your journey with you if you so choose and may they be patient, persistent, kind and gentle with your secret place that holds the key to your heart.

Kindness

Kindness by Naomi Shihab Nye

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you hold in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindess.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindess as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.

Then it is only kindess that makes any sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and
purchase bread,
only kindess that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
It is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you everywhere
like a shadow or a friend.

I hiked Tallulah Falls trails yesterday and while preparing my backpack, I was trying to think of all of the things I wanted to bring with me all the while not wanting to bring extraneous "stuff" for two reasons, one to avoid the weight of a heavy backpack and two to keep it simple so that I could enjoy nature and not distract myself with worldly things from my apartment so to speak. But I knew that I wanted to bring something inspirational to read while sitting at the top of some beautiful lookout point so I packed one of my favorite poetry anthologies, Ten Poems to Open Your Heart by Roger Housden.

I've handsold his books to many a customer that wanted to buy poetry for the "not so feeling the poetry thing" person in their life. His books take 10 poems and break them down with his personal interpretations and life experiences in order to show that each one of us can get something from poetry.

A friend of mine thanked me the other day for inspiring her in some way and I said thank you for acknowledging me and that I needed some inspiration about now in my life. So imagine my excitement when I picked up the trail map from the man at the front desk of the interpretive center at Tallulah Falls State Park and discovered there was an actual "Inspiration Point" on the trail. I asked him if it was a strenuous hike as I was looking for a challenging hike. He clearly stated it was moderate to difficult but more on the moderate side.

Funny enough, this trail is off the path of all of the other lookouts so it means one would have to go the opposite direction to get to it and then turn around and backtrack to get to the main trail. Since of course I was all about getting inspired, it was first on my list of things to do when I picked up the map. What kind of message is it when on my way down this trail supposedly leading to "Inspiration Point" I happened to see an off road trail and thought that was the way to go. Not reading the "Do not enter without a climbing or repelling permit" sign clearly posted at the head of this trail, I excitedly took off on it. About 100 feet into it I was slipping and sliding and holding on to trees, skinny frail ones at that, as I made my way down to the rocks. I was thinking "Wow, if this is moderate, what is difficult?" as I was grabbing on to rocks and anything I could to avoid falling into the gorge. I finally came back up alive. I never really questioned how I never saw a sign saying Inspiration Point but oh well, nice view of a waterfall for sure. I was somewhat inspired to have survived.

After hiking the trail leading directly to the gorge and other waterfalls, I made my way back around and decided to go straight past the off road trail I'd hiked earlier just to see what was at the other end, and lo and behold, I saw the sign that I should have seen in the beginning. No wonder I almost fell to my death. I shouldn't have stepped foot on that trail without equipment according the front desk clerk upon my return. Wow, I feel pretty strong that I made it.

So eventually walking past that trail I saw a sign for "Inspiration Point" and just thought to myself "Inspiration isn't easy to find for me right now." I was determined to get some inspiration so continued up the steep hill without looking back.

Once up there, I sat on a bench and pulled out my book and flipped randomly to a poem for inspiration and this poem above is what I turned to. It is a very powerful poem and although I've skimmed all of the 7 or 8 books of anthologies I have of his, I believe the right poem finds you at the right time and this one did. He speaks of our pain not making us special but how it joins us to the human race. I believe this to be true. I've often isolated myself when feeling down and now realize that feeling down is not my own unique experience nor does it make me special nor are my issues, my problems, my fears unique or special. We all have pain and suffering and through experiencing suffering we have two choices, we can develop compassion for other's pain and suffering or we can isolate ourselves and close our hearts. I choose compassion, for myself and others. I choose to see my experiences as a way to open up my heart and share my feelings with others which hopefully will allow them to open their hearts. This is true intimacy. We are not alone. We are here in our phyical bodies to share with others. We aren't meant to be on an island.

He mentions the most numbing pain comes from the protected heart, from not allowing others inside due to fear. I've been guilty of this in my life but am now aware and that is a start. I am now at a place where I choose to put myself out there, to allow others in and to take a chance that maybe it will be reciprocated. That is not a guarantee so in the meantime, I'll continue to honor my open heart and take risks because I'd rather experience one moment of true, even if fleeting intimacy, than a million moments of numbness.

May you find the courage to open your heart today with your eyes wide open and no guarantees in sight. May you find true intimacy with another soul and may it fill you up to the top with love and gratitude and trust that all is good in this moment.

Peace

Live the Questions

I've always been deep and curious about my purpose in life, my intentions, what I'm creating in my life by my thoughts, my fears. I am told I was a serious child as well and often fell asleep in the hallway listening to the adults talk in the kitchen or living room. I found deep conversations preferrable even at a very young age when others my age were playing video games or watching tv. To say there has been a time in my life when I felt satisfied with everything would be an untruth. I'm always looking for ways to improve, myself, my career, my knowledge base, my relationships, just about everything. Instead of looking at something and saying it's perfect the way that it is, I am always trying to see how it can be improved, more efficient, more authentic, more clarity or whatever. So it's no surprise that I'm questioning a lot at this very time in my life.

I always try to see the bright side of things and keep inspirational quotes at home, at work, in my car and on my backpack with buttons. I have many magnetic poems on my refrigerator and one is from one of my favorite poets, Rilke. I often forget to refer to it when I need it most but today while talking with a friend on the phone I was basically quoting it until I realized I had it on my refrigerator and went and grabbed it. I want to share it with you.

"I beg you....to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them, and the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer......" Rainer Maria Rilke

I wish you peace with all of those unanswered questions that are nagging you in the middle of the night or when things slow down enough and the distractions stop that you go right back to that place of "why" or "it doesn't make sense." May reading this inspirational quote that has helped me so many times in my life to live in the questions without trying to answer them, give you the courage to step into the questions and live them with the faith that one day you will live your way into the answer. I wish this for myself but most of all I wish this for every soul in the universe.

Peace

Run Inspired

Okay, so I went and faced my fear of re-injury from a Friday night softball game. I pulled my left quad trying to sprint to 1st base and since then I've been overly cautious so as not to pull it again. I managed two days in the gym on the elliptical machine and weight training upper body but still felt unsure about jogging so today, as beautiful as it was, I decided since I'm off the rest of the week, why not give it a try and worst case scenario, I'm off of it a couple more days.

Good news is that I did manage to get in a few miles through the neighborhood and down into the square. I even stopped off at Fleet Feet in Decatur to pick up their spring training schedule as I plan to start training for some races during the summer. Since I've mainly been in the gym and cycling instead of running through the winter like I should have been, I'm a bit out of practice. I decided to take baby steps by training for a 5K and luckily a session starts April 5th and trains for the Race to House the Homeless June 18th in Virginia Highlands.

I feel a little bad that I'm having to go back to training for a 5K since I ran the Peachtree for 7 years straight but know that if I don't take it slow and build the proper muscle groups back up in order, I'll injure myself and really be out of commission for a while. I need to work my hamstrings. The body is an amazing machine and the older I get; the more I realize how much I took it for granted. I am feeling stronger already just knowing I've got a plan in place. I love running or shall I say jogging :) I feel free, I feel strong, I feel invincible and I feel high when I'm in my zone. I can't wait to get back there.

May you find your zone and stay in it. May it take you to a place of strength, confidence, peace, creativity and abundance of all that feels good...

Connection

Here I am at the end of another Sunday both enjoying the windows being open, cool breeze blowing through the apartment, music playing on the cd player, plans for dinner shortly with a friend, Thai food, yum. This day began with a friend who came to visit over the weekend, having a mini meltdown while I had someone to listen to me unconditionally, then seeing her off. Next was church and then the wonderful world of my bed for a nap...

As the morning turns to afternoon and then the afternoon to evening, I feel myself go to that place of gratitude for the weekend events, playing softball, spending time with friends at Piedmont Park watching the beautiful full moon rise from the hill, wine, cheese, hummus and more but best was the homemade blueberry pie.....then on to The Jungle for a Disco party.

The message at church today was about spring and about the idea of living from a place of crucifiction versus resurrection. Crucification is sort of like victimization or being stuck or frozen due to our past versus resurrection or walking to the edge of our fear or an opportunity and jumping. I always feel the message is just what I need to hear and being that my theme this year for my life is facing my fears, this message was very personal to me. Living safely, comfortably served it's purpose in my life and I am now ready to move past comfort and safe but let me just say it is extremely difficult, scary, emotionally draining and includes every other emotion that stretches and changes us.

I feel a lot like I felt in jr. high, very insecure in one moment and overly confident and invincible the next only to fall back into fear. Needless to say, it is an emotional roller coaster but I'm ready for this ride. I know no matter how far I fall, I'll always bounce back up. I have faith in my ability to see the lesson if even only after the fall.

This post will be short as I have to meet a friend for dinner but I needed a connection to my blog, to my writing self, to my higher power and through writing this is accomplished.

May you face life on the edge and not allow fear or past experiences to keep you frozen or stagnant. May you walk to the edge of whatever intimidates you and spread your wings and fly.

Namaste

Speechless

I've known Karin Slaughter for a few years as she has been signing her books when they come out in the bookstore I work at. She always comes to our store for a signing because she meets with the writer's group that has been in our store since it opened. I knew from the first time I met her that I liked her. She is extremely down to earth and listens to what people are saying while making eye contact. This is rare in most people let alone in a New York Times Bestselling author.

I'll be honest, I've only read one of her books from the Grant Park Series. It was a great read by the way, but I don't typically read murder mysteries or thrillers with the exception of The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo series which I couldn't put down due to my most favorite female character of all time, Lisbeth Salandar.

I enjoyed Karin's book because it is set here in Atlanta and she names a lot of familiar places. I won't comment on the structure of her books or her writing style as like I said, I've only read one, but I know firsthand from many, many fans that come from miles away to her signings that she is very well liked and her books are some of the most favorite thrillers out there.

Last year, I went to the BookExpo America in New York and guess who was there on several panel discussions and signings? None other than Karin Slaughter. My ex girlfriend and I paid our own way to New York for BEA and couldn't wait to see Karin outside of Atlanta. We giggled and felt like stalkers but she immediately recognized us and smiled and made us feel welcome, bragging on me to her publisher.

So when I told her last year that I'd like to volunteer at any other events she had coming up, she told me about this fundraising idea she was going to help with. An event to support the local libraries. She knew about it abstractly a year in advance and I waited anxiously from June until March to find out the details. Seeing her email pop up on my Outlook was exciting and I couldn't wait to see how I could be a part of her event.

Thus here we are on Saturday, March 12th at the Decatur Library and the Murder Mystery Theatre as part of her Save the Libraries fundraising event. Decatur library was the first stop and Mary Kay Andrews and Kathryn Stockett joined her to celebrate libraries and literacy, raise funds for the library and sign their books.

What a crowd. It was a sell out with over 200 tickets sold that included a buffet, meeting the authors while they milled about the library signing their books and visiting with patrons, a murder mystery in the auditorium of which I was asked to take part by joining two others as we drug the dead body off the stage. lol

I met Karin's editor from Random House and her partner, damn, was hoping to hear she was single, and many others in her entourage. All very nice just like Karin, what a friendly group of people. Karin and I talked for a few minutes, while people gathered around to get a moment with the bestselling author. She asked me where my girlfriend was and I told her we'd broke up, secretly wishing she'd say "let's go get a drink after this" no such luck. She surprised me though by saying "her loss" and also that she'd mentioned to the owner of our company in New York a few weeks ago how hard I worked and how much I did to support bookselling. That really touched me. I know he won't know me or really care most likely but to know she mentioned little old me here in Atlanta was amazing.

She is an amazing woman, writer, listener and very compassionate spirit. I will say, for the first time, just for a moment, I was speechless when I had my moment in the sun next to her. You can see it in my smile.

May you get to meet a person that moves you and excites you one day no matter what line of work they are in and may they show themselves to be compassionate and genuine to you as Karin was to me. Here's to being down to earth and never too big to listen to your fans whether they be fans of your work or of your spirit, thanks Karin. Until summer when your new book comes out and you come to my store in Norcross to sign it.

Photo courtesy of Arthur Ratliff Photography 404-284-0055

Sunday Treat

So today is Sunday or actually when I post this it will be officially Monday. Sundays are both good and not for me. I dread the end of the weekend. I dread the end of my free time to do whatever I want, whenever I want.

Church was good as always. The message about the caliber of energy we have as individuals and how one person vibrating at a higher frequency can make a difference in millions of people. Whereas a person vibrating at a lower frequency also has an effect on others.

Went to Little 5 Points with a friend to hunt some 80s clothes for a Disco party this upcoming Saturday. I don't know if I'm even up for a party and found this cool hat I'd rather spend my money on.

Went to a friend's to watch one of my favorite movies Fandango. A movie about some college graduate friends taking a road trip out west before one gets married and another is drafted. I've seen this movie at least 10 times and always wonder what it is about this movie that moves me. I like the road trip, the transition from college student to adulthood, the brotherhood between the friends, the unrequieted love between one of the main characters and his first love who ends up marrying his best friend. It is a movie I've always cried in and love to share with friends. I think favorite movies say alot about a person.

Home now and it's quiet after a full weekend of socializing. Quiet can be good and quiet can be quiet, very, very, quiet. I'm exhausted and dreading work tomorrow. I know I should be grateful to have a job in this market but have one foot out the door.

I did finally get my frozen yogurt I'd been craving all week and it was delicious. So here I am at the end of another weekend and a new week ahead of me. It is what I make of it.

May your upcoming week be what you wish for it to be. May you realize it's up to you to create it.

I Did It

Well, remember when I said how this year was the year to face my fears? This is the year I want to do those things that intimidate me and I shrink away from. Not necessarily do dangerous things but things that I might have avoided in the past and rationalized my fear by saying it just wasn't my thing when in fact it was that I was intimidated by it.

Team sports is definitely intimidating to me. I have always been active throughout my life but never in competitive sports. I took ballet for 10 years, I'm a runner, I have a yoga practice, I bike, rollerblade and hike but those are all individual sports where I'm competing against myself. I never have felt comfortable in competitive activities, even games, and one reason is that I truly do want everyone to win. My competitive friends laugh at me because I would be the one on the side singing Kumbaya or some peace and love song.

Softball was one of those things that I tried a few years ago. My ex and I signed up for a team in the Decatur Women's League, we both had very little experience playing softball and the team just wasn't very welcoming or friendly. Since we were together, we ended up keeping each other company and not really playing a whole lot, much to her dismay as she was enjoying playing catcher. I on the other hand was so filled with anxiety I would let the team down that I was happy to sit in the dugout.

Well this year is the year to push myself into those uncomfortable situations knowing they will be good for my personal growth so I signed up for a team and played my first game last night at 10:00 pm in the freezing cold. We had to get to the field at 7 pm for a ceremony in honor of a much loved former member of the community and sports league named Laura Zekoll whose was lost at sea near the Bahamas. The ceremony was beautiful. All of the softball players made a huge circle around the softball field while chairs for Laura's family were placed in the front and center. They were escorted in and paid tribute to by Laura's church family, her fellow team members and others. A beautiful violin piece was performed out on the field in the freezing cold but everyone was arm and arm and I'm sure there wasn't a dry eye while Laura's sister spoke of her love of those in the lesbian community and how Laura was so special to her two sons and attributed to their love of baseball. It was very special. I felt honored to be there since I'm a new team member and I felt like most everyone there was a friend of Laura’s.

Then it was 2 and a half more hours of watching other games, goofing around with a few of my team mates, mostly huddling on the bleachers in what I call an Oreo cookie since I was in the middle with a warm body on each side of me. I'm not lying, it was freezing, you'd never know by how beautiful it is today.

On the one hand, I was secretly thinking how I wouldn't be totally disappointed if our game was cancelled due to the cold or lack of players but I knew that I was wanting to avoid looking like a fool on the field so better to get it over with and not postpone it.

We took to the field against a team that looked mean as hell to me at first, of course a team of 12 year olds would have intimidated me at this point. I told a team member, "damn those girls look mean" and she said, "yeah, we're going to get our asses handed to us" not helpful to say that to an already frightened newbie.

To make a long story short, or as best as I can, they threw me between 1st and 2nd base and coached me through the first inning by telling me who to throw the ball to, when to cover 2nd etc. so I did my best and actually got a couple of outs. My biggest lesson though was that I must get used to being a team member which to me means I will need to share the ball, if someone is already at 2nd, I must relinquish the ball to them in order to save time, no need for me to run for the ball, run to the base, you get the point. I'm used to doing everything, I mean everything on my own and now I must learn what team work really means. I think this is why sports are so good for kids, it teaches them about sharing responsibility, about trusting your team members to cover your back, about making mistakes that yes effect the entire team but also when you do something good, everyone on the team wins. Wow, I think I just might be learning more than how to throw and catch and hit a round white ball.

Then came to most stressful part, going up to bat. I'm on center stage, a whole team of mean looking kick ass women looking straight at me, sizing me up, trying to see if I'm a threat or not and where I might hit the ball. Plus my own team behind me rooting me on and thinking that I'm a newbie and might strike out and send us back out onto the field. Talk about stress.....

Good news is that even though the other team's catcher tried to mess with me when I told her I was new at this by telling me to stand in the wrong place while she laughed with the umpire, I still managed to hit the ball, not amazingly way out into the outfield over everyone's head but at least past the pitcher and a grounder that wasn't easy to stop. I made it to first; yes....Eventually I made it home and scored a point which was amazing to me. Not bad for a first timer....

May you face your fears and throw yourself out there today and tomorrow and all the rest of the days of your life. May you find the courage to do something every day that scares you a little and may you do it and come out the other side saying, "Wow, not bad for a first timer...."

A Challenge

Truth: I seemed to have lost my inspiration

Dare: Inspire me

The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

I love this poem and just wanted to share it today as I truly feel it in my heart this morning....

"It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, 'Yes.'

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments."

Today may you dance with wildness and let the ecstacy fill you..........

I'm in

I'm in

In the shower this morning, isn't that where all the world's problems are solved, I thought about something. I was wondering what exactly does my acceptance to the women's studies graduate program at GSU mean to me. In other words, what is the difference inside of me due to getting that call yesterday afternoon. How was I different after the phone call than before the phone call? Well it really wasn't that I felt an immediate difference, it's been a gradual shifting inside and I'm sure will continue to be until I'm actually sitting in a classroom.

I'm in

It dawned on me though while standing under the hot water this morning that instead of feeling excitement like I thought I should or would, and was disappointed that I didn't, I feel a sense of calm. I feel a sense of completeness. I feel like no matter what happens after today, I have this inner satisfaction of knowing I'm in the program. I feel like I can exhale, like I can sit back and relax on some level. Let go of the striving, the urge to do one more thing to increase my chances. Let go of the yearning that burned in my stomach like a hunger that could not be satisfied.

I'm in

The initial feeling of disbelief, the inner voice that heard only what it wanted at the time, that I haven't received an actual letter. The voice that wouldn't recognize the personal telephone call from the director of the program stating that they were recommending me and that I'd get a letter in a week. The voice that held me back since I received my Bachelor's in Psychology in 1996 from SMU, with a 4.0 GPA but still wouldn't recognize my ability to succeed and told me that I had to do well on that rediculous GRE test in order to be competitive. The voice that told me all the research I did and the thesis I presented in the Distinction program as an overachieving undergraduate student wasn't enough. The voice that told me I'd been out of school too long, wouldn't fit in with the younger students in school, couldn't keep up, was too old etc. This voice was hard to shut out so throughout the night I replayed the phone call. I still heard it's whisper in my ear between my pillow at 3, 4 and 5 am this morning.

I'm in

This voice has now quieted down and is beginning to accept that maybe, just maybe, I can do this thing called graduate school. Maybe I can compete with people half my age. Maybe I do have so much more life experience and work experience that will contribute to the classroom. Maybe that telephone call was real and a confirmation that not only does a group of women professors at GSU in the Women's Studies Institute, and boy let me tell you these women are amazing and take my breath away with their passion and their dedication to education and research, but that I myself am beginning to feel the shift in confidence that yes I can do this and yes I am going to do this. It's time for Carla to believe in Carla as much as everyone else believes in Carla. That inner voice that doubted Carla is discovering that she's outnumbered here and is thinking as the worn out cliche goes "If she can't beat them, join them".

I'm in

So on this Tuesday morning on the 8th of March 2011, I feel the shift inside from disbelief to belief and it feels unbelievablely amazing.

May you discover your inner voice that holds you back from your passion and your dreams. May you walk right up to it and greet it, shake hands with it, look into its eyes and don't be afraid to stand tall and not back down. Be gentle with it as it has served its purpose and must be recognized for its contribution even though it is no longer needed in the same capacity. Make friends with it and say "Come on, I think it's going to be lonely over there where you are, come join me at my table, the table of "I can do this" .......

I'm in

The Fire Within

Seek out that particular mental attribute which makes you
feel most deeply and vitally alive, along with which
comes the inner voice which says, "This is the real me,"
and when you have found that attitude, follow it....~ William James ~

This quote speaks to me. I haven’t really thought about a particular mental attribute pertaining to feeling alive before but instead have had seconds or moments where I felt this awareness, this clarity about being in the right place, with the right person be it friend or lover, doing the right thing as far as action. I thought of it as being “in my zone” but unfortunately it comes and goes and everytime I get that moment’s feeling of “rightness”, I try to grasp it and hold on to it in order to feel more of it’s intensity, to feel it longer than just that moment and there it goes. No matter how hard I try to get it back, it is gone.

This is a reminder to myself that I shouldn’t grasp for truth, for awareness, for clarity, for “rightness”, it just is. By stilling my mind I can be aware of this inner voice and listen for when it tells me I’m in my zone or at least heading in the right direction.

It’s just frustrating because it feels so good when I’m in it that all I can do is try to hold onto it. I know that logically I must relinquish my desire to control my mind but it’s like a child. It strays. It doesn’t always cooperate. It is stubborn. It wants instant gratification. It doesn’t have fear. It only sees something it wants and it goes there. It doesn’t judge a situation as positive or negative, it only wants to feel good so doesn’t think about the consequences. I guess that is the problem. Life experiences have taught me that everything I do, think and say has a consequence. I developed a sense of caution along the way that was intended to protect me but has led to avoidance. Avoidance of things that might hurt me.

So if I do my homework and begin to think of what mental attribute makes me feel most deeply and vitally alive, I might be able to at least bring my thoughts back to this concept of an attribute therefore placing me in the space to be aware of the real me. Kind of like a mantra or affirmation. I often feel afraid or sad or skeptical and turn to an inspirational quote or an affirmation and it centers me. I may not automatically believe it but it brings me back to a place where I can begin again.

May you discover your mental attribute that ignites the fire inside of you today. May this fire blaze like a forest fire crackling and hissing and on a mission that stays with you all day long. May you hold onto that fire for longer than a minute and may it spread to every person you come into contact with today. We are fire, hear us roar!

You Don't Always Get What You Want

but...you know the rest....

Have been knitting again lately and it reminds me so much of why I began knitting in the first place, the desire to create something with my hands. The desire to bring something tangible into the world, something I've created with my own two hands.

I've often felt disconnected to things because I live a lot in my head. My thoughts are my friends. Maybe this comes from being an only child with a busy mother that raised me in her spare time. Trust me, this is true. She often retells the time I found her book lying around somewhere titled something like "How to Raise Kids in Your Spare Time" and how it appalled me even when I was young. I can laugh at it now because I know my mother and she was a great mother to me and still is, although we are more friends than parent and child obviously. I was more of the parent to her actually and she often would say when I corrected her behavior in front of others "I gave birth to my mother".

So back to my story. Feeling somewhat disconnected to things during my life, even though I now consider it very Zen, I fear that without some connection I could very easily float away. I've often felt I don't belong here, I'm so different and the way I think is so different that I've felt very alone at times and only now am I able to be okay with that feeling knowing that we all feel that way at times and that we are all unique. My lonliness or my feelings of not fitting in are not unique. With this feeling of disconnectedness, I crave connection, with others, with my higher power, with nature. Material things have never been important to me. Another story my mom likes to tell is how she would have to beg me to get up on Christmas mornings to come see what Santa brought me. I wasn't all that excited. I did it more for her, she was like a child on Christmas morning and as most mothers do, got excited to give me toys and "things" and I went along with it but really wasn't into "things" and still am not too much into "things".

However, dabbling in art throughout my life, my mom is a professional artist by the way, I've never been able to find my form of self expression outside of writing. I wanted to create something I could hold, something I could give to someone, something I could sale or something I could display at an art show. I wanted to be able to turn something from one form into another with my hands. Being nonmaterialistic and therefore practical about "things", knitting was the perfect outlet for my creative endeavor of making something with my hands and making something useful and practical, not wasting materials etc. I've made numerous collages that hang on my walls and under my bed and in my closets but wanted to make something to be used not stored or hung if you know what I mean.

I love the colors, the feel, the textures, the smells, haven't tasted yarn yet. All of the senses are stimulated when I go into a yarn shop and walk around trying to find that perfect skein that speaks to me. I always go in with an idea from a book that I want to create and it never happens that I find what the book is asking for but it always happens that I find a project and yarn that speaks to me at that moment. Today I skipped softball practice because I needed a yarn project fix, I needed to touch, see and salivate over mohair, alpaca, merino wool and cashmere. I brought my most favorite knitting book Intertwined with the hopes of buying some handspun yarn and making this really cool hat and walked out with another kind of yarn, beautiful and calling my name, another hat pattern and new needles. It's not what I wanted when I set out to take this trip across town to this little yarn shop called Only Ewe but it ended up being exactly what I needed, a new project to create something useful with my hands.

May you be open to finding what it is that you need to feel complete and whole and fulfilled if even just for today.

Scripting

Well, just got home from a scripting class. What is scripting you ask? Well, I'll give you my definition of scripting. Scripting is basically using your creative visualization and taking it a step further by writing it down on paper. So for example, I've applied to a graduate program in women's studies at Georgia State University, which I really have, I promise :) and in order to utilize the law of attraction, I will write about being accepted and any details I wish to come to fruition as if they have already happened. It is a way to get in touch with the emotions involved with receiving what it is I want to create and have in my life and by moving into the consciousness of living the life I desire, whatever that may be, I will attract that life to me if it is meant to be.

Along those lines though, I want to remain open to receiving what is my highest good and therefore will not limit my scripting to specifics or at least if I write specifics, to make a mental note that I'm open to receiving that wish I write about or better...Or better is the key here...

I've never been to a scripting class however I do know and believe in the law of attraction and have read Shakti Gawain's Creative Visualization be it many years ago when I wasn't really ready to put it into practice. Funny enough, I've practiced scripting and wasn't even aware that I did. Just last week, I decided to write my own acceptance letter from GSU to myself congratulating me on being accepted into the Women's Studies program with a full scholarship and a research position to boot worth $40K (which is more than enough for me to live on, I'm very zen and don't require much :)) So by writing this letter, I even uploaded the GSU logo onto the letterhead for effect, I was scripting. I didn't stop there though which is really cool. I emailed this letter to numerous friends asking them to read it with belief and send positive energy to the fulfillment of this acceptance letter. I was overjoyed when so many people responded with well wishes and some even went a step further and said they saw themselves at my graduation. They were scripting and didn't know it either lol...Since then, several people have asked me to create a letter for whatever it is they are searching for so I'm happy to know not only did they buy into it, they want some more for themselves...Yes...

So an example of not limiting the manifestation of said creative scripting of one's dreams is that in this letter of acceptance where I was rewarded a stipend of $40K, I hold the space open for that money or more to come from any source, multiple sources if need be not necessarily GSU. I wouldn't want to limit what the universe is willing to provide me right?

The journal you see above was one that stood out for me when I stopped at Target on my way home. It brings feelings of fun, innocence, playfulness and staying childlike and open to opportunities. Children aren't skeptics like adults and this year I'm bound and determined to get in touch with my inner little girl. The one that believed she could do anything. The one that wasn't afraid to rock the boat, to dream big, to break records and rules. This cover speaks all of that to me and more.

May you get in touch with your passion today, tomorrow and beyond. It's contagious and God knows we could use a bit more passion in our lives.

Skater girl signing off!

Facing my fears

I’ve often heard the phrase “Do something everyday that scares you” and always wanted to live that way because as I’ve said in a previous post, I’ve often chosen the safe road, the one with the least resistance, the one with the least conflict. With somewhat of an unstable childhood, not bad just lacking in some things that made me feel secure, I’ve spent most of my adult life trying to create stability even at the cost of happiness.

I believe things are brought to our attention when needed or better said, “When the student is ready, the teacher will arrive” and so I pay attention when someone sends me a quote or recommends a book or I hear a song that moves me. I’m always looking for messages and remember a time when I questioned whether or not I even had guardian angels or a higher power looking after me and guiding me. I now know that I do and that it is totally up to me to pay attention, messages are everywhere, in friends and family, in music, in books, in movies, on pieces of paper left randomly for me to find, in fortune cookies and just about everywhere else we choose to look and see a message.

Now I get these messages everyday, some stronger and have more of an impact than others and it makes life exciting. A friend sent me a quote from a book because she felt I might relate which told me that she knows me more than I thought or that maybe I’m more transparent and the outside is beginning to match the inside more and more which is exactly what I want as I choose to live with intent and wish to bring to me that which is mine and that which will make me the best version of myself. This quote moved me beyond belief and stays with me everyday,

“At forty-two I’d never done anything that took my own breath away, and I suppose now that was part of the problem – my chronic inability to astonish myself”

So thinking along the lines of facing my fears, I decided to join a softball team. I’ve only played one season a few years ago and was so filled with anxiety during that season that I happily stayed in the dugout cheering everyone else on with the occasional opportunity to play in the game. I consider myself fairly in shape and active however I’ve never been competitive and never played competitive sports. I am hard on myself and always have pushed myself in solitary activities such as 10 years of ballet, running and weight training. My fear in regards to playing softball is letting the team down. I feel so much pressure to catch the ball, stop the grounder ball, hit the ball and throw the ball far enough in order to score or prevent the other team from scoring that I haven’t enjoyed “playing” for the sake of playing. Being surrounded by women that have played softball since they could walk doesn’t help much either.

Needless to say, I had my first practice on Sunday and much to my surprise, everyone was very supportive and didn’t make me feel center stage, which is not what I want to feel. I don’t want everyone stopping and looking at me while someone coaches me. Wow, the pressure! Overall, it was a good experience and still scares the s… out of me thinking about next week’s scrimmage and then the entire season of Friday night games. I am determined to not back down and to push myself through this fear and anxiety and come out the other side. Funny enough, my team’s name is Scared Hitless which I like to laugh at the irony as I’m Scared Sh..less

Smile

So my original inspiration for writing today was something I read in Kris Carr’s book, Crazy, Sexy Cancer Survivor “Remember feelings aren’t facts, feelings are signposts” because it reminded me of what a counselor told me not too long ago. During a mini emotional meltdown after the ending of a three-year relationship, I called her in a state of high anxiety needing someone unbiased to listen to me and remind me that “This too shall pass.” and she was that person. She told me that my feelings are just that, feelings, nothing more, they aren’t me, they aren’t in control and they are temporary. Allowing myself to feel them, acknowledge them and not attach myself to them will allow me to move through them. So I did.

But sitting at my desk in the back office of a bookstore today, I hear a call for someone to pick up line 2 for customer service and being that a bookseller called out today, I try to help catch the phone calls when everyone else is busy helping customers on the floor. I answered the phone and proceeded to get the customer’s request of a book and headed out to the book floor to search for the book. It was The Boy in Striped Pajamas by John Boyne by the way and a very sad but good book that was recently made into a movie. So standing in front of the teen fiction section looking at the Bs for Boyne, I was unable to locate the one copy our system said we had but I did see an index card sticking out from that shelf so I grabbed it to throw it away, you wouldn’t believe how much trash people leave laying around the store such as napkins, Kleenexes, cups, paper and everything else you can think of. I feel like a maid sometimes. Anyway, I pulled the index card out and looked at it and found a nice little message left randomly just for someone like me to pick up.

On the one hand, it did make me smile just thinking that I found something that was purposefully left for someone to pick up and see. On the other hand, I’ve been a little frustrated lately with being told by everyone I work with to “Smile, it can’t be that bad.” or “What’s wrong? You look so sad.” And I’ve vented to friends and family and co-workers that it’s impossible to smile 24/7 and that nothing is wrong and that I live in my head a lot so am not even aware I have a serious look on my face and then lastly but not very nicely that I’m sorry you’re uncomfortable with the look on my face or the feelings you think I have such as sad or mad or whatever. Sorry, it just rubs me wrong when it’s not realistic to walk around with a bright sunshiney face all of the time.

But in the end, I’m enjoying my little message and hopefully whomever left it will someday know that it did bring a smile to this serious girl’s face.

Adversity & Fear

“Adversity puts us on the rim and while we are on the rim we have an opportunity to appreciate and express fear simultaneously.” Kris Carr

So far my theme this year is facing fear and all that entails. My son who lives in San Diego and I have a very close relationship and often spend hours on the phone philosophizing, sharing our current creative endeavors, talking about relationship dynamics, both his and mine, listening to each other’s current challenges and intentions. Being that he has been in my life since I was 16, he is much more than a son to me, he’s a friend, an equal sometimes and yet far more insightful and wise than me in so many ways. When he entered my life, he brought peace, love, an understanding of what it really means to give and receive unconditional love, a calmness to my storm, and I always referred to him as my little Buddha to others, he was and still is my rock.

So when he talks, I listen, when he holds a mirror to my face, I listen, not always with immediate acceptance but eventually with appreciation and acknowledgement. He sees me, he knows me, he loves me unconditionally therefore I know when he calls me on something, it’s from a good place and with most people, we may hear what they’re saying and we might not depending on what we think their intentions are. We often say, “We’ll listen and take what we need and leave the rest.” or “They need to walk a mile in my shoes before they give me feedback or advice or their opinion.”

He’s recently decided to write a screenplay which also could be a book first, not sure yet, about his experience of love in all it’s forms in his life. In order to do this he told me he may need my help in remembering things from his childhood but then again he also is thinking the accuracy isn’t the most important but the feelings evoked from the telling of a story, his story. So we’ve been talking quite a bit lately about love and all that it entails and the different types of love whether it be familial, friendship, romantic, idealistic and much, much more. When we get into these long conversations, I look to him to give me insight into my behaviors throughout his life in regards to my past relationships and my fears, my struggles etc. I value his perspective knowing he doesn’t know all of me, knowing I know me like no other knows me yet with my defense mechanisms, I’m not always aware of how I’m limiting myself in regards to really living life to the fullest. I honor his opinion because he lives his life to the fullest, more so than anyone I’ve ever met. He doesn’t take the safe road, he tends to take the most risky in order to follow his heart. Now I will say he doesn’t have 2 children as I did from such a young age which gives him a sense of freedom that I didn’t have but even that says something. He chose differently. He chooses differently to this day and I honor him for that.

My point and I do have one is that the other night he told me, loose translation by the way “Mom, you’ve always lived from this place of doing what’s right or at least what you think is right versus wrong. You always think about if what you do is going to hurt someone or cause someone or something harm or if it’s morally right and I think that has held you back in life at times.” What it made me feel is like I’ve lived safe, I’ve lived small, I’ve lived for others or for what I thought others would want and need. I made choices to keep the peace, calm, no conflict. But now that is not enough for me. Now I’m realizing that I really haven’t been living but merely surviving. I never wanted to stand out because I didn’t want attention. I did want to be small in order to disappear into the crowd. I’m not sure why and it really doesn’t matter at this point because I’ve now come to see myself as larger than life. I now feel big, powerful, intelligent, thirsty for more, confident, excited, a little scared but alive.

I told a friend the other day that I’m often scared of my own power, scared of how much I can actually influence and inspire and motivate those around me and maybe it is because with that comes a responsibility. Once I have awareness of something, I cannot go back to lack of awareness, to that place of “ignorance is bliss” state of being in the world. I want to make a difference, I want to live my life on purpose with an awareness that will enable me to push the boundaries and face my fears and thrive instead of merely survive. So I’m living my adversity, my uniqueness, my differences for the first time in my life and learning to be okay with being quirky, being different, not fitting in and knowing that it’s okay because it takes all of us and all of our differences to make a more holistic world. How boring if we were all alike right? So when you get to know me and see me resisting or holding back, I give you permission to nudge me a little, wake me up, remind me of my intention to live my life to the fullest and with wild, succulent abandonment. It’s through living in and with adversity, I choose to astonish myself, to take my own breath away as Sue Monk Kidd said in The Mermaid Chair. I’m full of anticipation and it’s a great place to be.

Growing Pains

Well I’m not talking about the sitcom but about my life. It’s interesting how I am feeling much like I was as a teenager in regards to not feeling like I fit in anywhere. At the age of 15, my focus from trying to find where I fit in high school swiftly shifted to focusing on becoming a mother and soon after wife. Although I felt so much passion for being the best mother I could, I often found myself floundering in that same feeling of not fitting in anywhere. I no longer connected with my age group as their focus was on socializing and grades and image, where it should have been, and mine was on buying diapers, formula, & clothes for a baby and maintaining a teen marriage with the father of my son. I didn’t feel like I fit in with other mothers as they were up to twice my age and with much more life experience and self-knowledge.

At this point in my life, I find myself feeling some of the same feelings of separateness and not fitting in as I did back then. I’m recently out of a three-year relationship where I’m realizing I’d lost myself and lost my connections to friends. Making friends is never easy, not acquaintances, but friends, especially as an adult because we are either at work or in transit to and from work and aren’t as exposed to groups and opportunities to meet like minded people. I have to seek them out and then that still leaves out those that aren’t out in the public gatherings. It makes me wonder how many like minded spirits are not visible but then I have to go back to the belief that I will attract what is mine when I’m ready, no need to grasp for anything really. Whatever I need is already here and it is all for my highest good….

The difference between then and now is that I’m more aware of my feelings, my fears, my insecurities and I’m willing to sit with them while I forge my way through this jungle. I’m less willing to give up parts of myself in order to “fit in”. This is a good thing however it is not easy and old habits are hard to break. My comfort zone in the past has been to do things I’m not passionate about or spend time with others even if it wasn’t someone I felt a deep connection with. That led to feeling exhausted and depleted at the end of the day, sometimes resentful but only mad at myself for not honoring my true desires. I’m much more aware of my energy and the effects of those around me and the effects of other’s energy and activities on my energy.
Through the holidays with all of the gatherings, I found myself in a place I’d not been before, single, independent, free, open yet somewhat lonely, afraid and questioning a lot of my intentions, others intentions and my place in this world without the label of girlfriend, mother, wife etc. It is the first time in my life I feel free of labels and have the ability to define myself, the direction my life will take without the need to sacrifice or give up anything. Knowing that my choices are not going to hurt someone else is such a freeing feeling but also very new to me. As much as I want this freedom, it’s like “now what do I do with it?”

Last night at a party, I was keenly aware of my singlehood if that makes sense…Up until now, my life experience has been as a couple. I’ve always had a significant other, someone who loved me, cared about my feelings, someone to be there at the end of the day and someone to make eye contact with across the room when I’m feeling overwhelmed in a social setting, just that little comfort knowing I had someone that put me first. Surrounded by couples and all of that newness that comes with the honeymoon phase left me feeling very alone yet I also am grateful for the opportunity to be aware of my feelings and be okay with allowing myself to feel them as I know they are feelings and not my essence. They will come and they will go as will the fears, the insecurities, the questions, the highs, the lows, the good stuff and the not so good stuff, it’s all temporary. Right now I’m where I need to be and instead of asking “Why me?” I’ll ask “Why not me?” and “Why is this happening for me?” I saw a great bumper sticker the other day and can relate to it “Stand before the people you fear and speak your mind – even if your voice shakes” and my voice is a little shaky these days but I refuse to silence it.

Permission

"If you haven't already, now is the time to give yourself authorization to define your own journey."

Another inspiring line from the book I mentioned yesterday from Kris Carr, Crazy Sexy Cancer Survivor: More Rebellion and Fire for your Healing Journey. As I eluded to yesterday, take the C word out and just replace it with whatever challenges or obstacles you have on any given day and this book is an amazing tool to reclaim your own power back. I don't want anyone to get the idea that I'm downplaying cancer or any other diagnosis by saying that our daily challenges are anywhere compared to a serious illness, I am simply saying that we can use this Kick Ass Attitude Kris talks about to feel empowered and take control of our lives when we feel out of control.

I believe daily stressors over long periods of time have an effect on our health and immune systems that can lead to disease and other psychological issues so if we begin to see how our choices, our attitudes, our thoughts all have consequences, we can create our best selves adn the life we want in order to find whatever it is we are looking for. Personally, I would much rather practice preventative measures than wait until something is amiss before paying attention to my mental, physical and spiritual essence. Stepping off the soap-box now....

In her quote above, I like that she acknowledges the fact that many of us haven't allowed ourselves permission to create our journey. For some reason we've felt obligated to others, to jobs, to roles we've chosen or bought into what others expected of us and we forgot our purpose or desires along the way. It seems that as children we knew what we liked, what our passions were, what we wanted and we weren't afraid to ask for it and try things. Somewhere along the way, we lost that ability or we repressed it and this quote reminds me that I can give myself permission so to speak to define what my journey is to me and to no one else.

I'm ready........

Survivor

It never fails that when I walk back into the receiving department of the bookstore I work in, I see a book on the pile of new books just received, yet to be shelved, and salivate over it and feel I'll never be happy unless I have it as my own. I tuck it under my arm and slink out of the receiving department so as not to piss anyone off that I've grabbed a new book before it even made it to the floor. I take it to my office and drool over it until the end of the day when at that point the newness has either worn off or I still believe I can't live without it and proceed to the register to buy said book.
Today, I saw a book that caught my eye. It's the second book by this author about her experience with cancer and I've seen her documentary about her experience and loved it. It's called Crazy Sexy Cancer Survivor: More Rebellion and Fire for your Healing Journey by Kris Carr. Now I absolutely loved her first book Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips for her creativity and photos and honesty even though it can bring tears to my eyes but then again, I love something that can move me to tears. I debated whether buying a book about surviving cancer would jinx me as I don't have and don't plan on getting that diagnosis, ever...However, her message about surviving against all odds, about healing, about empowerment, basically about living and thriving not just maintaining for however long we are meant to be in this physical body. I think it is a message everyone can benefit from the same way I think we can all benefit from the 12 steps whether we have an addiction or not.
Some of the section titles are; Mind, Body aka Lovin' the Temple, Jesus, Buddha, Elvis, ETC.
One quote I turned to that immediately caught my eye and my heart "I feel naked and abandoned. I do my very best. I work so hard to "let go" of all the nasties in me, to do the "right" thing, and yet here I am drifting in a shit storm! I'd crawl on broken glass to go back, but I know I can't. So what should I do? How do I tie my shoe so I can take one step forward?" Wow, even though I am healthy, thank God, I've felt this way on one occasion or another. I think we have all felt this way and had to find the "survivor" inside that would and could get us through the challenge and to the other side.
So, thinking that an ounce of prevention is worth, oh I can't remember the rest, I'm buying this book for the survivor in me, for the fighter against all odds of the daily trials and tribulations I encounter and I want to toast in honor of Kris Carr and ask that you check her out online http://www.crazysexycancer.com/ she is a kick butt kind of gal I wish the best for and thank from the bottom of my heart for her inspiration and strength and creativity! What a positive woman! Oh and it doesn't hurt that she's hot!