Live the Questions

I've always been deep and curious about my purpose in life, my intentions, what I'm creating in my life by my thoughts, my fears. I am told I was a serious child as well and often fell asleep in the hallway listening to the adults talk in the kitchen or living room. I found deep conversations preferrable even at a very young age when others my age were playing video games or watching tv. To say there has been a time in my life when I felt satisfied with everything would be an untruth. I'm always looking for ways to improve, myself, my career, my knowledge base, my relationships, just about everything. Instead of looking at something and saying it's perfect the way that it is, I am always trying to see how it can be improved, more efficient, more authentic, more clarity or whatever. So it's no surprise that I'm questioning a lot at this very time in my life.

I always try to see the bright side of things and keep inspirational quotes at home, at work, in my car and on my backpack with buttons. I have many magnetic poems on my refrigerator and one is from one of my favorite poets, Rilke. I often forget to refer to it when I need it most but today while talking with a friend on the phone I was basically quoting it until I realized I had it on my refrigerator and went and grabbed it. I want to share it with you.

"I beg you....to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them, and the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer......" Rainer Maria Rilke

I wish you peace with all of those unanswered questions that are nagging you in the middle of the night or when things slow down enough and the distractions stop that you go right back to that place of "why" or "it doesn't make sense." May reading this inspirational quote that has helped me so many times in my life to live in the questions without trying to answer them, give you the courage to step into the questions and live them with the faith that one day you will live your way into the answer. I wish this for myself but most of all I wish this for every soul in the universe.

Peace

Run Inspired

Okay, so I went and faced my fear of re-injury from a Friday night softball game. I pulled my left quad trying to sprint to 1st base and since then I've been overly cautious so as not to pull it again. I managed two days in the gym on the elliptical machine and weight training upper body but still felt unsure about jogging so today, as beautiful as it was, I decided since I'm off the rest of the week, why not give it a try and worst case scenario, I'm off of it a couple more days.

Good news is that I did manage to get in a few miles through the neighborhood and down into the square. I even stopped off at Fleet Feet in Decatur to pick up their spring training schedule as I plan to start training for some races during the summer. Since I've mainly been in the gym and cycling instead of running through the winter like I should have been, I'm a bit out of practice. I decided to take baby steps by training for a 5K and luckily a session starts April 5th and trains for the Race to House the Homeless June 18th in Virginia Highlands.

I feel a little bad that I'm having to go back to training for a 5K since I ran the Peachtree for 7 years straight but know that if I don't take it slow and build the proper muscle groups back up in order, I'll injure myself and really be out of commission for a while. I need to work my hamstrings. The body is an amazing machine and the older I get; the more I realize how much I took it for granted. I am feeling stronger already just knowing I've got a plan in place. I love running or shall I say jogging :) I feel free, I feel strong, I feel invincible and I feel high when I'm in my zone. I can't wait to get back there.

May you find your zone and stay in it. May it take you to a place of strength, confidence, peace, creativity and abundance of all that feels good...

Connection

Here I am at the end of another Sunday both enjoying the windows being open, cool breeze blowing through the apartment, music playing on the cd player, plans for dinner shortly with a friend, Thai food, yum. This day began with a friend who came to visit over the weekend, having a mini meltdown while I had someone to listen to me unconditionally, then seeing her off. Next was church and then the wonderful world of my bed for a nap...

As the morning turns to afternoon and then the afternoon to evening, I feel myself go to that place of gratitude for the weekend events, playing softball, spending time with friends at Piedmont Park watching the beautiful full moon rise from the hill, wine, cheese, hummus and more but best was the homemade blueberry pie.....then on to The Jungle for a Disco party.

The message at church today was about spring and about the idea of living from a place of crucifiction versus resurrection. Crucification is sort of like victimization or being stuck or frozen due to our past versus resurrection or walking to the edge of our fear or an opportunity and jumping. I always feel the message is just what I need to hear and being that my theme this year for my life is facing my fears, this message was very personal to me. Living safely, comfortably served it's purpose in my life and I am now ready to move past comfort and safe but let me just say it is extremely difficult, scary, emotionally draining and includes every other emotion that stretches and changes us.

I feel a lot like I felt in jr. high, very insecure in one moment and overly confident and invincible the next only to fall back into fear. Needless to say, it is an emotional roller coaster but I'm ready for this ride. I know no matter how far I fall, I'll always bounce back up. I have faith in my ability to see the lesson if even only after the fall.

This post will be short as I have to meet a friend for dinner but I needed a connection to my blog, to my writing self, to my higher power and through writing this is accomplished.

May you face life on the edge and not allow fear or past experiences to keep you frozen or stagnant. May you walk to the edge of whatever intimidates you and spread your wings and fly.

Namaste

Speechless

I've known Karin Slaughter for a few years as she has been signing her books when they come out in the bookstore I work at. She always comes to our store for a signing because she meets with the writer's group that has been in our store since it opened. I knew from the first time I met her that I liked her. She is extremely down to earth and listens to what people are saying while making eye contact. This is rare in most people let alone in a New York Times Bestselling author.

I'll be honest, I've only read one of her books from the Grant Park Series. It was a great read by the way, but I don't typically read murder mysteries or thrillers with the exception of The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo series which I couldn't put down due to my most favorite female character of all time, Lisbeth Salandar.

I enjoyed Karin's book because it is set here in Atlanta and she names a lot of familiar places. I won't comment on the structure of her books or her writing style as like I said, I've only read one, but I know firsthand from many, many fans that come from miles away to her signings that she is very well liked and her books are some of the most favorite thrillers out there.

Last year, I went to the BookExpo America in New York and guess who was there on several panel discussions and signings? None other than Karin Slaughter. My ex girlfriend and I paid our own way to New York for BEA and couldn't wait to see Karin outside of Atlanta. We giggled and felt like stalkers but she immediately recognized us and smiled and made us feel welcome, bragging on me to her publisher.

So when I told her last year that I'd like to volunteer at any other events she had coming up, she told me about this fundraising idea she was going to help with. An event to support the local libraries. She knew about it abstractly a year in advance and I waited anxiously from June until March to find out the details. Seeing her email pop up on my Outlook was exciting and I couldn't wait to see how I could be a part of her event.

Thus here we are on Saturday, March 12th at the Decatur Library and the Murder Mystery Theatre as part of her Save the Libraries fundraising event. Decatur library was the first stop and Mary Kay Andrews and Kathryn Stockett joined her to celebrate libraries and literacy, raise funds for the library and sign their books.

What a crowd. It was a sell out with over 200 tickets sold that included a buffet, meeting the authors while they milled about the library signing their books and visiting with patrons, a murder mystery in the auditorium of which I was asked to take part by joining two others as we drug the dead body off the stage. lol

I met Karin's editor from Random House and her partner, damn, was hoping to hear she was single, and many others in her entourage. All very nice just like Karin, what a friendly group of people. Karin and I talked for a few minutes, while people gathered around to get a moment with the bestselling author. She asked me where my girlfriend was and I told her we'd broke up, secretly wishing she'd say "let's go get a drink after this" no such luck. She surprised me though by saying "her loss" and also that she'd mentioned to the owner of our company in New York a few weeks ago how hard I worked and how much I did to support bookselling. That really touched me. I know he won't know me or really care most likely but to know she mentioned little old me here in Atlanta was amazing.

She is an amazing woman, writer, listener and very compassionate spirit. I will say, for the first time, just for a moment, I was speechless when I had my moment in the sun next to her. You can see it in my smile.

May you get to meet a person that moves you and excites you one day no matter what line of work they are in and may they show themselves to be compassionate and genuine to you as Karin was to me. Here's to being down to earth and never too big to listen to your fans whether they be fans of your work or of your spirit, thanks Karin. Until summer when your new book comes out and you come to my store in Norcross to sign it.

Photo courtesy of Arthur Ratliff Photography 404-284-0055

Sunday Treat

So today is Sunday or actually when I post this it will be officially Monday. Sundays are both good and not for me. I dread the end of the weekend. I dread the end of my free time to do whatever I want, whenever I want.

Church was good as always. The message about the caliber of energy we have as individuals and how one person vibrating at a higher frequency can make a difference in millions of people. Whereas a person vibrating at a lower frequency also has an effect on others.

Went to Little 5 Points with a friend to hunt some 80s clothes for a Disco party this upcoming Saturday. I don't know if I'm even up for a party and found this cool hat I'd rather spend my money on.

Went to a friend's to watch one of my favorite movies Fandango. A movie about some college graduate friends taking a road trip out west before one gets married and another is drafted. I've seen this movie at least 10 times and always wonder what it is about this movie that moves me. I like the road trip, the transition from college student to adulthood, the brotherhood between the friends, the unrequieted love between one of the main characters and his first love who ends up marrying his best friend. It is a movie I've always cried in and love to share with friends. I think favorite movies say alot about a person.

Home now and it's quiet after a full weekend of socializing. Quiet can be good and quiet can be quiet, very, very, quiet. I'm exhausted and dreading work tomorrow. I know I should be grateful to have a job in this market but have one foot out the door.

I did finally get my frozen yogurt I'd been craving all week and it was delicious. So here I am at the end of another weekend and a new week ahead of me. It is what I make of it.

May your upcoming week be what you wish for it to be. May you realize it's up to you to create it.

I Did It

Well, remember when I said how this year was the year to face my fears? This is the year I want to do those things that intimidate me and I shrink away from. Not necessarily do dangerous things but things that I might have avoided in the past and rationalized my fear by saying it just wasn't my thing when in fact it was that I was intimidated by it.

Team sports is definitely intimidating to me. I have always been active throughout my life but never in competitive sports. I took ballet for 10 years, I'm a runner, I have a yoga practice, I bike, rollerblade and hike but those are all individual sports where I'm competing against myself. I never have felt comfortable in competitive activities, even games, and one reason is that I truly do want everyone to win. My competitive friends laugh at me because I would be the one on the side singing Kumbaya or some peace and love song.

Softball was one of those things that I tried a few years ago. My ex and I signed up for a team in the Decatur Women's League, we both had very little experience playing softball and the team just wasn't very welcoming or friendly. Since we were together, we ended up keeping each other company and not really playing a whole lot, much to her dismay as she was enjoying playing catcher. I on the other hand was so filled with anxiety I would let the team down that I was happy to sit in the dugout.

Well this year is the year to push myself into those uncomfortable situations knowing they will be good for my personal growth so I signed up for a team and played my first game last night at 10:00 pm in the freezing cold. We had to get to the field at 7 pm for a ceremony in honor of a much loved former member of the community and sports league named Laura Zekoll whose was lost at sea near the Bahamas. The ceremony was beautiful. All of the softball players made a huge circle around the softball field while chairs for Laura's family were placed in the front and center. They were escorted in and paid tribute to by Laura's church family, her fellow team members and others. A beautiful violin piece was performed out on the field in the freezing cold but everyone was arm and arm and I'm sure there wasn't a dry eye while Laura's sister spoke of her love of those in the lesbian community and how Laura was so special to her two sons and attributed to their love of baseball. It was very special. I felt honored to be there since I'm a new team member and I felt like most everyone there was a friend of Laura’s.

Then it was 2 and a half more hours of watching other games, goofing around with a few of my team mates, mostly huddling on the bleachers in what I call an Oreo cookie since I was in the middle with a warm body on each side of me. I'm not lying, it was freezing, you'd never know by how beautiful it is today.

On the one hand, I was secretly thinking how I wouldn't be totally disappointed if our game was cancelled due to the cold or lack of players but I knew that I was wanting to avoid looking like a fool on the field so better to get it over with and not postpone it.

We took to the field against a team that looked mean as hell to me at first, of course a team of 12 year olds would have intimidated me at this point. I told a team member, "damn those girls look mean" and she said, "yeah, we're going to get our asses handed to us" not helpful to say that to an already frightened newbie.

To make a long story short, or as best as I can, they threw me between 1st and 2nd base and coached me through the first inning by telling me who to throw the ball to, when to cover 2nd etc. so I did my best and actually got a couple of outs. My biggest lesson though was that I must get used to being a team member which to me means I will need to share the ball, if someone is already at 2nd, I must relinquish the ball to them in order to save time, no need for me to run for the ball, run to the base, you get the point. I'm used to doing everything, I mean everything on my own and now I must learn what team work really means. I think this is why sports are so good for kids, it teaches them about sharing responsibility, about trusting your team members to cover your back, about making mistakes that yes effect the entire team but also when you do something good, everyone on the team wins. Wow, I think I just might be learning more than how to throw and catch and hit a round white ball.

Then came to most stressful part, going up to bat. I'm on center stage, a whole team of mean looking kick ass women looking straight at me, sizing me up, trying to see if I'm a threat or not and where I might hit the ball. Plus my own team behind me rooting me on and thinking that I'm a newbie and might strike out and send us back out onto the field. Talk about stress.....

Good news is that even though the other team's catcher tried to mess with me when I told her I was new at this by telling me to stand in the wrong place while she laughed with the umpire, I still managed to hit the ball, not amazingly way out into the outfield over everyone's head but at least past the pitcher and a grounder that wasn't easy to stop. I made it to first; yes....Eventually I made it home and scored a point which was amazing to me. Not bad for a first timer....

May you face your fears and throw yourself out there today and tomorrow and all the rest of the days of your life. May you find the courage to do something every day that scares you a little and may you do it and come out the other side saying, "Wow, not bad for a first timer...."

A Challenge

Truth: I seemed to have lost my inspiration

Dare: Inspire me

The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

I love this poem and just wanted to share it today as I truly feel it in my heart this morning....

"It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, 'Yes.'

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments."

Today may you dance with wildness and let the ecstacy fill you..........

I'm in

I'm in

In the shower this morning, isn't that where all the world's problems are solved, I thought about something. I was wondering what exactly does my acceptance to the women's studies graduate program at GSU mean to me. In other words, what is the difference inside of me due to getting that call yesterday afternoon. How was I different after the phone call than before the phone call? Well it really wasn't that I felt an immediate difference, it's been a gradual shifting inside and I'm sure will continue to be until I'm actually sitting in a classroom.

I'm in

It dawned on me though while standing under the hot water this morning that instead of feeling excitement like I thought I should or would, and was disappointed that I didn't, I feel a sense of calm. I feel a sense of completeness. I feel like no matter what happens after today, I have this inner satisfaction of knowing I'm in the program. I feel like I can exhale, like I can sit back and relax on some level. Let go of the striving, the urge to do one more thing to increase my chances. Let go of the yearning that burned in my stomach like a hunger that could not be satisfied.

I'm in

The initial feeling of disbelief, the inner voice that heard only what it wanted at the time, that I haven't received an actual letter. The voice that wouldn't recognize the personal telephone call from the director of the program stating that they were recommending me and that I'd get a letter in a week. The voice that held me back since I received my Bachelor's in Psychology in 1996 from SMU, with a 4.0 GPA but still wouldn't recognize my ability to succeed and told me that I had to do well on that rediculous GRE test in order to be competitive. The voice that told me all the research I did and the thesis I presented in the Distinction program as an overachieving undergraduate student wasn't enough. The voice that told me I'd been out of school too long, wouldn't fit in with the younger students in school, couldn't keep up, was too old etc. This voice was hard to shut out so throughout the night I replayed the phone call. I still heard it's whisper in my ear between my pillow at 3, 4 and 5 am this morning.

I'm in

This voice has now quieted down and is beginning to accept that maybe, just maybe, I can do this thing called graduate school. Maybe I can compete with people half my age. Maybe I do have so much more life experience and work experience that will contribute to the classroom. Maybe that telephone call was real and a confirmation that not only does a group of women professors at GSU in the Women's Studies Institute, and boy let me tell you these women are amazing and take my breath away with their passion and their dedication to education and research, but that I myself am beginning to feel the shift in confidence that yes I can do this and yes I am going to do this. It's time for Carla to believe in Carla as much as everyone else believes in Carla. That inner voice that doubted Carla is discovering that she's outnumbered here and is thinking as the worn out cliche goes "If she can't beat them, join them".

I'm in

So on this Tuesday morning on the 8th of March 2011, I feel the shift inside from disbelief to belief and it feels unbelievablely amazing.

May you discover your inner voice that holds you back from your passion and your dreams. May you walk right up to it and greet it, shake hands with it, look into its eyes and don't be afraid to stand tall and not back down. Be gentle with it as it has served its purpose and must be recognized for its contribution even though it is no longer needed in the same capacity. Make friends with it and say "Come on, I think it's going to be lonely over there where you are, come join me at my table, the table of "I can do this" .......

I'm in

The Fire Within

Seek out that particular mental attribute which makes you
feel most deeply and vitally alive, along with which
comes the inner voice which says, "This is the real me,"
and when you have found that attitude, follow it....~ William James ~

This quote speaks to me. I haven’t really thought about a particular mental attribute pertaining to feeling alive before but instead have had seconds or moments where I felt this awareness, this clarity about being in the right place, with the right person be it friend or lover, doing the right thing as far as action. I thought of it as being “in my zone” but unfortunately it comes and goes and everytime I get that moment’s feeling of “rightness”, I try to grasp it and hold on to it in order to feel more of it’s intensity, to feel it longer than just that moment and there it goes. No matter how hard I try to get it back, it is gone.

This is a reminder to myself that I shouldn’t grasp for truth, for awareness, for clarity, for “rightness”, it just is. By stilling my mind I can be aware of this inner voice and listen for when it tells me I’m in my zone or at least heading in the right direction.

It’s just frustrating because it feels so good when I’m in it that all I can do is try to hold onto it. I know that logically I must relinquish my desire to control my mind but it’s like a child. It strays. It doesn’t always cooperate. It is stubborn. It wants instant gratification. It doesn’t have fear. It only sees something it wants and it goes there. It doesn’t judge a situation as positive or negative, it only wants to feel good so doesn’t think about the consequences. I guess that is the problem. Life experiences have taught me that everything I do, think and say has a consequence. I developed a sense of caution along the way that was intended to protect me but has led to avoidance. Avoidance of things that might hurt me.

So if I do my homework and begin to think of what mental attribute makes me feel most deeply and vitally alive, I might be able to at least bring my thoughts back to this concept of an attribute therefore placing me in the space to be aware of the real me. Kind of like a mantra or affirmation. I often feel afraid or sad or skeptical and turn to an inspirational quote or an affirmation and it centers me. I may not automatically believe it but it brings me back to a place where I can begin again.

May you discover your mental attribute that ignites the fire inside of you today. May this fire blaze like a forest fire crackling and hissing and on a mission that stays with you all day long. May you hold onto that fire for longer than a minute and may it spread to every person you come into contact with today. We are fire, hear us roar!