Facing my fears

I’ve often heard the phrase “Do something everyday that scares you” and always wanted to live that way because as I’ve said in a previous post, I’ve often chosen the safe road, the one with the least resistance, the one with the least conflict. With somewhat of an unstable childhood, not bad just lacking in some things that made me feel secure, I’ve spent most of my adult life trying to create stability even at the cost of happiness.

I believe things are brought to our attention when needed or better said, “When the student is ready, the teacher will arrive” and so I pay attention when someone sends me a quote or recommends a book or I hear a song that moves me. I’m always looking for messages and remember a time when I questioned whether or not I even had guardian angels or a higher power looking after me and guiding me. I now know that I do and that it is totally up to me to pay attention, messages are everywhere, in friends and family, in music, in books, in movies, on pieces of paper left randomly for me to find, in fortune cookies and just about everywhere else we choose to look and see a message.

Now I get these messages everyday, some stronger and have more of an impact than others and it makes life exciting. A friend sent me a quote from a book because she felt I might relate which told me that she knows me more than I thought or that maybe I’m more transparent and the outside is beginning to match the inside more and more which is exactly what I want as I choose to live with intent and wish to bring to me that which is mine and that which will make me the best version of myself. This quote moved me beyond belief and stays with me everyday,

“At forty-two I’d never done anything that took my own breath away, and I suppose now that was part of the problem – my chronic inability to astonish myself”

So thinking along the lines of facing my fears, I decided to join a softball team. I’ve only played one season a few years ago and was so filled with anxiety during that season that I happily stayed in the dugout cheering everyone else on with the occasional opportunity to play in the game. I consider myself fairly in shape and active however I’ve never been competitive and never played competitive sports. I am hard on myself and always have pushed myself in solitary activities such as 10 years of ballet, running and weight training. My fear in regards to playing softball is letting the team down. I feel so much pressure to catch the ball, stop the grounder ball, hit the ball and throw the ball far enough in order to score or prevent the other team from scoring that I haven’t enjoyed “playing” for the sake of playing. Being surrounded by women that have played softball since they could walk doesn’t help much either.

Needless to say, I had my first practice on Sunday and much to my surprise, everyone was very supportive and didn’t make me feel center stage, which is not what I want to feel. I don’t want everyone stopping and looking at me while someone coaches me. Wow, the pressure! Overall, it was a good experience and still scares the s… out of me thinking about next week’s scrimmage and then the entire season of Friday night games. I am determined to not back down and to push myself through this fear and anxiety and come out the other side. Funny enough, my team’s name is Scared Hitless which I like to laugh at the irony as I’m Scared Sh..less