Adversity & Fear

“Adversity puts us on the rim and while we are on the rim we have an opportunity to appreciate and express fear simultaneously.” Kris Carr

So far my theme this year is facing fear and all that entails. My son who lives in San Diego and I have a very close relationship and often spend hours on the phone philosophizing, sharing our current creative endeavors, talking about relationship dynamics, both his and mine, listening to each other’s current challenges and intentions. Being that he has been in my life since I was 16, he is much more than a son to me, he’s a friend, an equal sometimes and yet far more insightful and wise than me in so many ways. When he entered my life, he brought peace, love, an understanding of what it really means to give and receive unconditional love, a calmness to my storm, and I always referred to him as my little Buddha to others, he was and still is my rock.

So when he talks, I listen, when he holds a mirror to my face, I listen, not always with immediate acceptance but eventually with appreciation and acknowledgement. He sees me, he knows me, he loves me unconditionally therefore I know when he calls me on something, it’s from a good place and with most people, we may hear what they’re saying and we might not depending on what we think their intentions are. We often say, “We’ll listen and take what we need and leave the rest.” or “They need to walk a mile in my shoes before they give me feedback or advice or their opinion.”

He’s recently decided to write a screenplay which also could be a book first, not sure yet, about his experience of love in all it’s forms in his life. In order to do this he told me he may need my help in remembering things from his childhood but then again he also is thinking the accuracy isn’t the most important but the feelings evoked from the telling of a story, his story. So we’ve been talking quite a bit lately about love and all that it entails and the different types of love whether it be familial, friendship, romantic, idealistic and much, much more. When we get into these long conversations, I look to him to give me insight into my behaviors throughout his life in regards to my past relationships and my fears, my struggles etc. I value his perspective knowing he doesn’t know all of me, knowing I know me like no other knows me yet with my defense mechanisms, I’m not always aware of how I’m limiting myself in regards to really living life to the fullest. I honor his opinion because he lives his life to the fullest, more so than anyone I’ve ever met. He doesn’t take the safe road, he tends to take the most risky in order to follow his heart. Now I will say he doesn’t have 2 children as I did from such a young age which gives him a sense of freedom that I didn’t have but even that says something. He chose differently. He chooses differently to this day and I honor him for that.

My point and I do have one is that the other night he told me, loose translation by the way “Mom, you’ve always lived from this place of doing what’s right or at least what you think is right versus wrong. You always think about if what you do is going to hurt someone or cause someone or something harm or if it’s morally right and I think that has held you back in life at times.” What it made me feel is like I’ve lived safe, I’ve lived small, I’ve lived for others or for what I thought others would want and need. I made choices to keep the peace, calm, no conflict. But now that is not enough for me. Now I’m realizing that I really haven’t been living but merely surviving. I never wanted to stand out because I didn’t want attention. I did want to be small in order to disappear into the crowd. I’m not sure why and it really doesn’t matter at this point because I’ve now come to see myself as larger than life. I now feel big, powerful, intelligent, thirsty for more, confident, excited, a little scared but alive.

I told a friend the other day that I’m often scared of my own power, scared of how much I can actually influence and inspire and motivate those around me and maybe it is because with that comes a responsibility. Once I have awareness of something, I cannot go back to lack of awareness, to that place of “ignorance is bliss” state of being in the world. I want to make a difference, I want to live my life on purpose with an awareness that will enable me to push the boundaries and face my fears and thrive instead of merely survive. So I’m living my adversity, my uniqueness, my differences for the first time in my life and learning to be okay with being quirky, being different, not fitting in and knowing that it’s okay because it takes all of us and all of our differences to make a more holistic world. How boring if we were all alike right? So when you get to know me and see me resisting or holding back, I give you permission to nudge me a little, wake me up, remind me of my intention to live my life to the fullest and with wild, succulent abandonment. It’s through living in and with adversity, I choose to astonish myself, to take my own breath away as Sue Monk Kidd said in The Mermaid Chair. I’m full of anticipation and it’s a great place to be.