Growing Pains

Well I’m not talking about the sitcom but about my life. It’s interesting how I am feeling much like I was as a teenager in regards to not feeling like I fit in anywhere. At the age of 15, my focus from trying to find where I fit in high school swiftly shifted to focusing on becoming a mother and soon after wife. Although I felt so much passion for being the best mother I could, I often found myself floundering in that same feeling of not fitting in anywhere. I no longer connected with my age group as their focus was on socializing and grades and image, where it should have been, and mine was on buying diapers, formula, & clothes for a baby and maintaining a teen marriage with the father of my son. I didn’t feel like I fit in with other mothers as they were up to twice my age and with much more life experience and self-knowledge.

At this point in my life, I find myself feeling some of the same feelings of separateness and not fitting in as I did back then. I’m recently out of a three-year relationship where I’m realizing I’d lost myself and lost my connections to friends. Making friends is never easy, not acquaintances, but friends, especially as an adult because we are either at work or in transit to and from work and aren’t as exposed to groups and opportunities to meet like minded people. I have to seek them out and then that still leaves out those that aren’t out in the public gatherings. It makes me wonder how many like minded spirits are not visible but then I have to go back to the belief that I will attract what is mine when I’m ready, no need to grasp for anything really. Whatever I need is already here and it is all for my highest good….

The difference between then and now is that I’m more aware of my feelings, my fears, my insecurities and I’m willing to sit with them while I forge my way through this jungle. I’m less willing to give up parts of myself in order to “fit in”. This is a good thing however it is not easy and old habits are hard to break. My comfort zone in the past has been to do things I’m not passionate about or spend time with others even if it wasn’t someone I felt a deep connection with. That led to feeling exhausted and depleted at the end of the day, sometimes resentful but only mad at myself for not honoring my true desires. I’m much more aware of my energy and the effects of those around me and the effects of other’s energy and activities on my energy.
Through the holidays with all of the gatherings, I found myself in a place I’d not been before, single, independent, free, open yet somewhat lonely, afraid and questioning a lot of my intentions, others intentions and my place in this world without the label of girlfriend, mother, wife etc. It is the first time in my life I feel free of labels and have the ability to define myself, the direction my life will take without the need to sacrifice or give up anything. Knowing that my choices are not going to hurt someone else is such a freeing feeling but also very new to me. As much as I want this freedom, it’s like “now what do I do with it?”

Last night at a party, I was keenly aware of my singlehood if that makes sense…Up until now, my life experience has been as a couple. I’ve always had a significant other, someone who loved me, cared about my feelings, someone to be there at the end of the day and someone to make eye contact with across the room when I’m feeling overwhelmed in a social setting, just that little comfort knowing I had someone that put me first. Surrounded by couples and all of that newness that comes with the honeymoon phase left me feeling very alone yet I also am grateful for the opportunity to be aware of my feelings and be okay with allowing myself to feel them as I know they are feelings and not my essence. They will come and they will go as will the fears, the insecurities, the questions, the highs, the lows, the good stuff and the not so good stuff, it’s all temporary. Right now I’m where I need to be and instead of asking “Why me?” I’ll ask “Why not me?” and “Why is this happening for me?” I saw a great bumper sticker the other day and can relate to it “Stand before the people you fear and speak your mind – even if your voice shakes” and my voice is a little shaky these days but I refuse to silence it.