Well, remember when I said how this year was the year to face my fears? This is the year I want to do those things that intimidate me and I shrink away from. Not necessarily do dangerous things but things that I might have avoided in the past and rationalized my fear by saying it just wasn't my thing when in fact it was that I was intimidated by it.
Team sports is definitely intimidating to me. I have always been active throughout my life but never in competitive sports. I took ballet for 10 years, I'm a runner, I have a yoga practice, I bike, rollerblade and hike but those are all individual sports where I'm competing against myself. I never have felt comfortable in competitive activities, even games, and one reason is that I truly do want everyone to win. My competitive friends laugh at me because I would be the one on the side singing Kumbaya or some peace and love song.
Softball was one of those things that I tried a few years ago. My ex and I signed up for a team in the Decatur Women's League, we both had very little experience playing softball and the team just wasn't very welcoming or friendly. Since we were together, we ended up keeping each other company and not really playing a whole lot, much to her dismay as she was enjoying playing catcher. I on the other hand was so filled with anxiety I would let the team down that I was happy to sit in the dugout.
Well this year is the year to push myself into those uncomfortable situations knowing they will be good for my personal growth so I signed up for a team and played my first game last night at 10:00 pm in the freezing cold. We had to get to the field at 7 pm for a ceremony in honor of a much loved former member of the community and sports league named Laura Zekoll whose was lost at sea near the Bahamas. The ceremony was beautiful. All of the softball players made a huge circle around the softball field while chairs for Laura's family were placed in the front and center. They were escorted in and paid tribute to by Laura's church family, her fellow team members and others. A beautiful violin piece was performed out on the field in the freezing cold but everyone was arm and arm and I'm sure there wasn't a dry eye while Laura's sister spoke of her love of those in the lesbian community and how Laura was so special to her two sons and attributed to their love of baseball. It was very special. I felt honored to be there since I'm a new team member and I felt like most everyone there was a friend of Laura’s.
Then it was 2 and a half more hours of watching other games, goofing around with a few of my team mates, mostly huddling on the bleachers in what I call an Oreo cookie since I was in the middle with a warm body on each side of me. I'm not lying, it was freezing, you'd never know by how beautiful it is today.
On the one hand, I was secretly thinking how I wouldn't be totally disappointed if our game was cancelled due to the cold or lack of players but I knew that I was wanting to avoid looking like a fool on the field so better to get it over with and not postpone it.
We took to the field against a team that looked mean as hell to me at first, of course a team of 12 year olds would have intimidated me at this point. I told a team member, "damn those girls look mean" and she said, "yeah, we're going to get our asses handed to us" not helpful to say that to an already frightened newbie.
To make a long story short, or as best as I can, they threw me between 1st and 2nd base and coached me through the first inning by telling me who to throw the ball to, when to cover 2nd etc. so I did my best and actually got a couple of outs. My biggest lesson though was that I must get used to being a team member which to me means I will need to share the ball, if someone is already at 2nd, I must relinquish the ball to them in order to save time, no need for me to run for the ball, run to the base, you get the point. I'm used to doing everything, I mean everything on my own and now I must learn what team work really means. I think this is why sports are so good for kids, it teaches them about sharing responsibility, about trusting your team members to cover your back, about making mistakes that yes effect the entire team but also when you do something good, everyone on the team wins. Wow, I think I just might be learning more than how to throw and catch and hit a round white ball.
Then came to most stressful part, going up to bat. I'm on center stage, a whole team of mean looking kick ass women looking straight at me, sizing me up, trying to see if I'm a threat or not and where I might hit the ball. Plus my own team behind me rooting me on and thinking that I'm a newbie and might strike out and send us back out onto the field. Talk about stress.....
Good news is that even though the other team's catcher tried to mess with me when I told her I was new at this by telling me to stand in the wrong place while she laughed with the umpire, I still managed to hit the ball, not amazingly way out into the outfield over everyone's head but at least past the pitcher and a grounder that wasn't easy to stop. I made it to first; yes....Eventually I made it home and scored a point which was amazing to me. Not bad for a first timer....
May you face your fears and throw yourself out there today and tomorrow and all the rest of the days of your life. May you find the courage to do something every day that scares you a little and may you do it and come out the other side saying, "Wow, not bad for a first timer...."
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