I'm in

I'm in

In the shower this morning, isn't that where all the world's problems are solved, I thought about something. I was wondering what exactly does my acceptance to the women's studies graduate program at GSU mean to me. In other words, what is the difference inside of me due to getting that call yesterday afternoon. How was I different after the phone call than before the phone call? Well it really wasn't that I felt an immediate difference, it's been a gradual shifting inside and I'm sure will continue to be until I'm actually sitting in a classroom.

I'm in

It dawned on me though while standing under the hot water this morning that instead of feeling excitement like I thought I should or would, and was disappointed that I didn't, I feel a sense of calm. I feel a sense of completeness. I feel like no matter what happens after today, I have this inner satisfaction of knowing I'm in the program. I feel like I can exhale, like I can sit back and relax on some level. Let go of the striving, the urge to do one more thing to increase my chances. Let go of the yearning that burned in my stomach like a hunger that could not be satisfied.

I'm in

The initial feeling of disbelief, the inner voice that heard only what it wanted at the time, that I haven't received an actual letter. The voice that wouldn't recognize the personal telephone call from the director of the program stating that they were recommending me and that I'd get a letter in a week. The voice that held me back since I received my Bachelor's in Psychology in 1996 from SMU, with a 4.0 GPA but still wouldn't recognize my ability to succeed and told me that I had to do well on that rediculous GRE test in order to be competitive. The voice that told me all the research I did and the thesis I presented in the Distinction program as an overachieving undergraduate student wasn't enough. The voice that told me I'd been out of school too long, wouldn't fit in with the younger students in school, couldn't keep up, was too old etc. This voice was hard to shut out so throughout the night I replayed the phone call. I still heard it's whisper in my ear between my pillow at 3, 4 and 5 am this morning.

I'm in

This voice has now quieted down and is beginning to accept that maybe, just maybe, I can do this thing called graduate school. Maybe I can compete with people half my age. Maybe I do have so much more life experience and work experience that will contribute to the classroom. Maybe that telephone call was real and a confirmation that not only does a group of women professors at GSU in the Women's Studies Institute, and boy let me tell you these women are amazing and take my breath away with their passion and their dedication to education and research, but that I myself am beginning to feel the shift in confidence that yes I can do this and yes I am going to do this. It's time for Carla to believe in Carla as much as everyone else believes in Carla. That inner voice that doubted Carla is discovering that she's outnumbered here and is thinking as the worn out cliche goes "If she can't beat them, join them".

I'm in

So on this Tuesday morning on the 8th of March 2011, I feel the shift inside from disbelief to belief and it feels unbelievablely amazing.

May you discover your inner voice that holds you back from your passion and your dreams. May you walk right up to it and greet it, shake hands with it, look into its eyes and don't be afraid to stand tall and not back down. Be gentle with it as it has served its purpose and must be recognized for its contribution even though it is no longer needed in the same capacity. Make friends with it and say "Come on, I think it's going to be lonely over there where you are, come join me at my table, the table of "I can do this" .......

I'm in