On Children

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

by Khalil Gibran

This poem was read to me by my mother when I was much too young to appreciate it. However, as they say the seeds are planted, it felt like coming home when I'd stumbled upon it years later. I had my mom sit on the steps of the alter and read this to the children at my wedding. Even though the marriage wasn't eternal, I hope the seeds of this poem are inside of all those that sat quietly listening to her read that day. Lately, I've spent so much energy worrying about my daughter and trying to get her to see my vision for her, when all the while I've lost the meaning of this very touching poem that was read to her and all those at the wedding. She does not belong to me and although I may give her my love, not my thoughts, for her thoughts are her own.

Gibran says "You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you" and looking back at most of the suffering I've experienced while raising her, it has been due to my expectations of how she should live and what she should be doing instead of loving her unconditionally and accepting her just the way she is. I wouldn't want her to be like me but to want her to be safe and happy and secure is what I've always wished for. I am realizing that she is on her path to safety, happiness and security. It is not my path, it is not up to me how she gets where she's going. I'll never stop wanting her highest good, I think this is what most parents want for their children. I just have to learn to let go and realize that I don't know what her highest good is and that I can't save her from pain and suffering. For it is through pain and suffering, she will grow and become wise in ways I couldn't have given her. Just as my mother watches from the sidelines as I go down my path , worrying, and anxious all the while, probably wondering why I make some of the choices I do, I must watch my daughter.

"For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams" Not quite sure why this line makes me sad but it does. Maybe because I cannot be in all the places she will be to keep her safe, I cannot protect her everywhere she goes nor will I be around forever. I guess it makes me feel very mortal and that as I grow older, life gets shorter and sometimes I'm faced with the reality that there won't always be a tomorrow. That is why loving her today and accepting her now are all the more important.

My intention today is to try and take it easy on myself. I often find I am my own worst enemy and never give myself a break. Guilt seems to be a feeling I often carry, not sure if its part of being a mom or something I created in my youth. I can remember my mom telling me when I was little, "Guilt is a man made emotion, get over it" so I must have felt guilty even as a young child. It is tiring to carry guilt around and I am ready to release it and forgive myself for all that I regret or wish I could have done better. I'm ready to be kinder to myself. Maybe once I do this, I can offer her my love without strings or obligations.

I am grateful today for the opportunity I had in a coffee shop while studying math (elementary mind you) for the GRE to meet a man who sat beside me as he edited something he'd written. We exchanged greetings and I discovered he is a minister and was editing his sermon for tomorrow. Prior to discovering that, he asked me what I was studying and why, I told him for the GRE to apply to a graduate program in Women's Studies and how much I love learning and would be a professional student if I could. He agreed and we talked of building communities, finding other kindred spirits, how difficult it was to find others of like mind but he affirmed they were out there, we just have to look. So much was said in such little time but I needed to leave and as I got up, he handed me a folded piece of paper which he said was his sermon he was working on. I looked at it in the car and amazingly enough, several of the topics we covered in that short time, were all there in his sermon. There are no coincidences I remind myself.

The highlight of yesterday was speaking with Victor the St. Lucian and learning of his background and a small part of the St. Lucian's history. I asked him why he was so passionate about creating an organization for the local St. Lucians and he responded that when people ask him where he's from, they've often never heard of St. Lucia or the culture. I told him not to take it personal as when I tell people I'm from New Mexico, they ask if I have US citizenship and New Mexico is just down the road compared to the St. Lucia....He laughed :)